Een dag uit het leven van Esther als kind

Introduction by Aline Terpstra

This writing accompanies an interview at Café Weltschmerz between Erik van der Horst and me. In preparation for the interview, Esther described an example of a day of her as a child, which I was allowed to use to explain what a day of terrible abuse looks like for a child with programmed DIS.

In the interview, I have greatly simplified the example for reasons of time. Below you can read the original version by Esther, which shows that the reality of switching between person parts is more complex than I could explain in the limited time available in the interview.

Part 1 (green) is called 'Merel' in the interview: this is the name-bearer part, who knows nothing of the horrific abuse.

Part 2 (blue) called 'Erna' in the interview, this is a person part that absorbs anger and other strong emotions from the adults around her and has learned to adapt as much as possible to prevent/ reduce this anger where possible.

Part 3 (purple) is called 'Rachel' in the interview, this is a person who has been 'trained' as a sex slave in child prostitution and child pornography production.

Part 4 (orange) is called 'Sara' in the interview, this is a person who has been 'trained' to take part in the ceremonies in honour of Satan.

A day in the life of Esther as a child

Part 1 goes to grandpa. Grandpa loves it and grandma loves it. Time for tinkering and chatting. Rest. Part 2 comes when grandpa gets angry. Grandpa then puts part 2 in the closet, or sometimes when there are 'parties', part 2 gets punished for what Grandpa is angry about. There is a part that is very close to part 1, but does not do everything perfectly. She sometimes spills a cup of drink and this makes her very angry. So angry, in fact, that she sometimes has to be locked in the cupboard for hours. She keeps this away from part 1, because part 1 has to stay with grandma and grandpa. But part 2 is always close by, because she has to be able to push part 1 away immediately when grandpa threatens to get angry. The moment Grandpa comes to our bedroom at night, because he wants sex, part 3 pops up. Part 3 is always there when sex comes and 'pleased' Grandpa. She wants to keep Grandpa happy, so that part 1 has good times at grandpa and grandma's and so that no one can get angry because they can't be with grandpa and grandma.

When part 1 is playing outside around grandma and grandpa's house and visitors come driving up, then come part 3 and part 4, because they are triggered. They recognise people who come driving by from earlier torture moments and part 3 knows that sex is involved. Part 4 keeps everything else away and gets into her role. Playing the perfect role model. They go with him to the barn, which has been set up so that torture and pornography recordings can be made there. Part 3 undresses, lies down properly as grandpa orders and 'plays' in the film that is being recorded in which she is raped by three adult men. Part 4 remains in the background, but does not need to catch anything now. Part 2 is far away, but is there and only doing her best not to get punished. Part 1 is not there.

After the shooting, part 3 has to wash up and grandma has dinner ready. Parts 1 and 2 pop up and sit down at the table and empty their plates. Part 1 chats away at the table. The tummy ache is not nice, but has learned to ignore them and if it becomes too much, part 2 takes over the pain. After all, it must not lead to punishment. Part 1 only knows the nice things about this day.

When it is evening, there is a cult meeting. Part 1 thinks grandma is putting her to bed and goes under the covers. Part 4 pops up when Grandpa enters her room at night and she has to go with him to the local cult. She has learned when it is cult day and is then extra alert and makes sure everyone is pushed away when the evening comes.

She voluntarily gets into the car, undresses herself and walks into the main hall. The ceremony begins, sacrifices are made and when no actions of their own, such as murders, are required of Part 4, this part remains here. When the ceremony is over, there is the sex party. Part 3 takes over and knows nothing of what part 4 has been through. She suddenly finds herself at a sex party and does her utmost to be as good as possible. After all, only then is it the least painful and the quickest to finish. She knows it can be different. When there are people who trigger her, sometimes other parts come into play, but afterwards everything hurts, she bleeds and she is finished. She can't wash herself anymore, Grandpa does that and part 2 comes to help. Part 2 sees that she is dirty and helps as best she can. The body feels run over and is broken, but that is probably her fault. She does her best to cooperate and help. She falls asleep in the car back. Part 4 runs from the car back to bed. When she wakes up in the morning, no more than three hours later, part 1 is there. She feels exhausted, but she always does. If you cannot get up, part 2 takes away all feelings except happiness. Part 2 suffers pain, part 1 has a great new day. When going to the toilet, section 3 takes over so that the nappies/monthly pads can be changed.

As the above situation is described, switching between parts happens all day long, also in other situations and therefore each part has its own task or input in this.