First time England, 5 years
With 16 adults and other children.
In the events I describe below, I am 5 years old. I know this because at Schiphol Airport they ask my age and I have remembered my date of birth very well. September 21st 19**. The date which almost, but not exactly, corresponded to my real date of birth, I had memorized very well. I did not perceive myself as Esther, my name was Yvonne Slager. That I was from the Slager (my parents were butchers) was correct, so it was not difficult to remember. I had been called Yvonne for some time, but of course I just listened to Esther.
I, personality part Yvonne of the person Esther, was often there in ordinary life. I was a cheerful, enthusiastic girl, talked all the time about animals and tasty things and enjoyed being with others. Being alone was scary for me and I still don't like it. My aunt always called me 'cosy flutter'. She always knew when I was there, even though she will never have known that I, a personality part, was called Yvonne and not Esther. If another personality part was there and she was not feeling well, Auntie would ask what was wrong with me. I would pop up right away, see her worried look and make sure that it was pleasant and cheerful. I took off my happy mask last year. I am so tired, so intensely tired. Of always playing nice, growing wrinkles with laughter and letting the sun shine in everyone's life, while it sometimes costs everything. I'm tired and taking time now to figure out who I am. I don't know who I am. I was the cheerful, swirling girl who always danced to everyone's tune and did what was asked and felt a little happy about it too. I put away personality parts, so they didn't get in the way and I made sure that the always positive image of 'Esther' stayed upright. But no more. It is a bit finished.
Well, Uncle 1 took us to Schiphol airport. I had practiced the words I should say a few times. At Schiphol Airport H took over from uncle 1 in the lobby where we had a drink in the VIP area, where you can see the planes landing and taking off. I loved being there, even later. Quiet, safe, I could be myself and I always looked forward to the flying itself. Friendly stewardesses who paid attention with a little bag with a colouring book and some sweets. Also looking into the cockpit was still possible back then and I have been there about 5 times. Super fun.
By the time we had to sit down again and buckle up, the fear crept up on me. Now the happy life was over for a while, usually for a few weeks because the trip back was too tiring and I usually had to recover afterwards. We got into a car and stopped at a B&B. We went to have something to eat and there we met a friend. We went to eat something and there we met another girl with her 'father'. The 4 of us went for a long drive in 1 car that night.
We ended up in a forest house where there were 2 men and 2 children and an older man. We got an explanation and had to pay attention. H. told it in Dutch, another man spoke another language and another one. The older man said everything first and then we heard it in our language. We heard that we were going to meet important people, just like we had done last month. I knew immediately what he meant. I had been in B.'s basement and was immediately taken over by a small personality part. I took a big step back, but I could see everything, but I had no feelings at the memories of it.
My body nodded. I saw the fear in my eyes and the contraction of my limbs against my body. Alert stand, already prepared. The explanation continued. They were very important people who deserved honor and awe, therefore a number of agreements must be clear. You don't say anything when you're not asked, you don't even ask to go to the toilet, you just keep it shut until we say you can go to the toilet. If you have to do something, you do it with all your energy. You don't do something just a little. The punishment is death, then I will kill you, the man says soberly. I think about this sentence, while he continues talking, but the words don't come to me anymore. It's not up to me to remember, I can't do this. The girl that is in my body now can. She sits here terribly tense, but every word comes in and hits solid ground. I am quite impressed that she was already there and became curious about her. But she is too serious to pay attention to me, she is 'working'.
Then I hear the man talking, we are going to check if you have understood, H. translates him. H. laughs, he likes this. They do an exchange between the girls and my body is raped. I don't feel a thing. I see the movements, I hear the sounds and notice all the facial features of the one who is penetrating somewhere between my legs, but meanwhile I also dream away to the furniture and paintings and trophies in the cottage and my thoughts all jumble together. They are satisfied, we didn't make a sound and the old man talks to the men for a moment and we straighten our dresses again and silently wait in the same spot for what they ask of us.
H. says when we walk to the car, that the old man had wanted to tie us up in the woods to see if we would ask to pee and so on, but I said you don't need that. That's right, girl, he says and my body nods yes, without words or sound. Like we've become stupid.
I sit down in the car and so do the other girls and the old man sits behind the wheel. H. doesn't get in and for a moment I feel the desperation seeping through to me and I get back into the body. We drive for a while and arrive at a kind of parking place in the forest where the car is parked. We have to get out and follow the old man. We walk quite a bit. My feet are getting tired and I hate the sounds of the forest. It is also a bit cold and it is raining softly. After a while we see a kind of campfire in the distance with people around it. There are tents on the left side and a few children are playing in the back. We are cheered when we arrive and for a moment I feel a kind of warm welcome, but the moment I feel that, my body is taken over again. We sit with the group of children and wait there. I don't know why, but it's nice to be with more children, I can tell by my face.
Two more times a group of children arrive. Then we have to walk with them to the edge of the forest and a man points to a bush. I don't understand him, but I see others pee, so I imitate them. The group of adults is noisy and cheerful, I can hear them in the background. When everyone has been, we walk in a different direction than to the fire. We end up in a kind of clearing in the forest with mostly grass. Around it are many trees. The group of men and their children and 2 women also come towards us. 1 man comes to me and another girl and starts talking Dutch. He also talks to the other girl and I am surprised that she can understand him. He says that the fastest will not be shot and shows his gun. He swipes it with his hand for a moment. I feel inside that there is more going on edge and I am pushed even further back.
He strokes my cheeks for a moment and gives a gentle pat on the other girl's nose. 'Do your best' he says when the horn sounds. We are called and pushed to 1 spot and have to stand in a line. One man does it, the horn goes and he starts running very fast and another man runs after him and pretends to shoot. It is clear what is going to happen.
Then the dogs are given to some men in the row behind us. The threat is noticeable in my body, I see the switching happen and the senses go on alert. A word is called out and then the horn sounds. I'm not the fastest and certainly not the first, but I'm not the one to stand by either. I hear a shot and turn around. A boy not much more years than me is still standing there. Another shot, right next to his bare feet. He starts running, and the group of adults laugh. Inside me, a button flips and I run as fast as I can. I fall sometimes and I almost get angry at the part that runs that doesn't have good leg control. We are going to do it together. At one point we are so tired we have to stop. I hear them talking and walking, they are everywhere. I stand still and try to see them, but I don't see them and then a shot sounds. I immediately start running as fast as I can, until I can't anymore and when I see 2 men walking with a dog that starts barking, I know which way I shouldn't run and run on. My energy seems to be endless.
I collapse on the ground, I am exhausted and can't take it anymore. I cry, I see the tears rolling down my cheeks, only I don't feel anything. It is too much. I stay sitting here and when I hear people and a dog coming closer, I stay sitting too. My fear is no longer there in the sense that we will run. I stay put and wait for them to find me. I see them shooting and when I look at what they are shooting at and hear the bang, I see a child fall down in the distance. They are enthusiastic and call all kinds of things and run towards it. I see that the dogs start barking and want to go to me, but they are going to get their loot. I have heard several shots, haven't been able to count them, I don't feel up to it yet either.
Then the horn sounds. I wait to see what happens next. I don't know yet that the hunt is over and we can come out. I wait and wait and when the dogs track me down again and find me, I am convinced that the owner of the dogs will shoot me, but he reaches out his hand to me and lifts me up on his shoulders with his head between my legs. Sometimes a branch hits me, but I'm too confused to be bothered. Completely disoriented I am.
We arrive at the camp. The tents and the fire and the children who no longer play. I am put on the tree trunk next to other children who are staring in front of them and don't realize that I am sitting next to them. They look at the fire. Nothing more. And so do I. I am quite overwhelmed by the wonderful warmth and at the same time the violence that can be seen in the fire. Next to me there is a dead girl and a dead boy. One is older, the other young, a bit older than me. They are cleaned with a bucket of water on their stomachs and then everyone joins them. They 'sing' a certain 'song' and get into a kind of trance after which the older man, together with a boy of my age, cuts open the belly and takes things out. I know it, I've seen it before. It doesn't affect me physically, I don't realize that I could have been lying there, I was off too I guess.
The important people get sticks with pieces of meat on them and hold them in the fire. They laugh and are really happy. The heart is handed out raw and everyone takes a bite of it. We only get a drink of blood. Then the bodies are dragged away. After a long time of watching and waiting I am suddenly grabbed from behind by this Dutch speaking man with a huge accent. It was so unexpected, that I don't hear what he says, I had become relaxed and dead tired in the meantime.
He wanted to have sex with me and took me to a tent. There was cheering and laughter and I went limp and gave in. I didn't know right away what he wanted to do to me, but I was so tired that I couldn't brace myself and whatever would happen would just happen. Two other personality parts were doing this play and I was very far away from it. I bled and cleaned myself up, as Grandpa had taught me, after I was sent out of the tent. He had pointed me to a bucket of water.I went back to sitting neatly on the tree trunk, but more men had taken up the idea and sometimes suddenly someone was taken to a tent. I was prepared that it could happen again at any moment. Some people went to sleep and it became quieter and quieter around the fire. We stayed put. Two men stood behind us and did not say a word. It got colder and the fire burned less brightly and after hours it went out. I had to pee so badly, but I had to wait, I knew. I saw the boy next to me doing it just sitting on the tree trunk, I thought it was dirty. Another girl fell off the tree trunk at one point. She had fallen asleep. She got a slap with the stick that the 'guards' had in their hands and had to sit down again. It took so long. Every now and then I also fell asleep and was startled awake again.
It was morning and I don't know exactly in what order what happened. We were given a piece of bread, we were given a bottle of water and everyone freshened up. The adults left with the dogs and guns and we stayed there with the guards. We were allowed to sleep if we wanted to, but it soon became clear that we were not safe. The guards had their needs too. Sleeping was out of the question, but just lying there and resting was fine.
Towards evening the group came back and they had brought food. We had dinner and after dinner there was dancing and singing and sex. Again they went to sleep and we stayed on the tree trunk. I had also learned in the meantime to just let everything run when I had to. There were no breaks for peeing. I was very sparing with my bottle of water. I knew very well that drinking also meant the toilet. I don't remember exactly how it went. The night passed me by a bit because of the intense tiredness and cold. My level of consciousness also changed.
The next day we got another piece of bread, no new bottle of water. We had to go pee and were sent into the woods. They chased us, walking, fjt fjt, as if we were cats that needed to be chased away. We began to walk together, looking into each other's puzzled faces. Some were half running, but fatigue prevented that and I started walking behind the others. Some bigger kids were much faster, I couldn't keep up with them. I saw children hiding behind trees and did so too. Not knowing why, but I watched everyone and imitated almost everyone and learned by myself.
All the time I saw the fear, but nothing happened. Some got out of my sight and others stayed here. After a few hours they came closer and I slowly went to the one who could also understand Dutch. Do you know what we should do, I asked her? They will come shooting again soon she said, so quiet now. Go on walking. I did what she said, but she didn't come, so I went back. Are you coming, I asked. No, go away, you'll betray me, she says. I felt alone and walked away.
A while later I hear a group approaching and I run away. Harder and harder and a shot sounds. That one was for me. They didn't hit me, but they were close. I run on. The fatigue is completely gone and the adrenaline is woven into everything. Suddenly I hear a shot again and after a few minutes the horn sounds. Last time it was over after the horn, is it the same now?
I wait and wait and wait. I hear some sounds, but not very close. They call something, but I can't understand that either. After a while I am startled by a man who suddenly appears from behind the tree. I had not heard him. I don't know if I had fallen asleep or if he was just being very quiet, but it scared me to death. He smiled as he looked at me and took me with him. Back to the fire in the woods and to the tents we were only allowed in for sex.
Again food, again fire and wait and again sex. The girl who was cut open there was the girl from Holland. The girl who wanted me to leave. I had betrayed her. A new section came and I left. C. sat with her and watched us. As he wanted to cut into her, he looked at me and said he preferred young girls and it was her or me. I didn't feel guilty right away. Something was happening inside, I wasn't really sure how to interpret this or what to do with it either. But the moment he put the knife in, something inside broke. After the whole ritual was over, he took me to the tent and wanted to have sex with me. He was aggressive and totally not looking at what everything was doing to me. I passed out and came to in an empty tent. He was gone.
I carefully crawled out and washed myself like I always had to and sat back down on the tree trunk. He gave a crooked smile with his mouth when I sat down on the log and continued with what he was doing. Later, there was a whole 'party'. My body felt up and the fatigue was so great that I sometimes fell asleep. After another night of trying to stay awake on the tree trunk, which was no longer possible and which was sometimes tolerated for a few minutes, it was morning again and after a piece of bread and a new bottle of water, we had to get into the car.
I fell asleep in the car, but got a slap in the face and had to stay awake. The other kids were also fighting very hard against the sleep and we kept each other awake. We helped each other. We arrived at the house. The house that looks so normal on the outside, but is full of horror on the inside. I didn't know that then. I went in expecting to get a bed and sleep or take a shower and I wanted to go home so badly.
We had to wash ourselves with the water from a bath. We had to stand next to it, were given a washcloth and a towel and had to scrub ourselves. The water in the bath was very cold, but it was so nice to really clean everything from the night and especially my feet which were covered with scrapes and bruises.
After washing we went into a room. We got a kind of helmet on our head which was fastened with a belt under our chin. I found it very unpleasant, but do not know why. The man who had brought us into the room left and the door closed behind us. We looked around but it was pretty dark except for a small red light at the top of the wall. This gave us a very light view and I remained aware that the others were there too, but nothing more.
There was a sound. Loud and quite unpleasant and I was amazed. It didn't stop, it came back again and again and after a while it changed pattern and strength. As if a kind of consciousness level was created in my head that wasn't there before. My ears seemed to open up more and more to that state of mind and after what seemed like hours in that room, I started not being aware of the fact that we were in that room. I started to walk and so did the others and sometimes we bumped into each other, not realizing that they were, but then a deep deep fear and panic set in.
Suddenly the sound stopped and I felt myself falling on the ground. It was as if all of a sudden a kind of rest could come into my body and head and my muscles stopped working, very bizarre. I felt myself being lifted up and I saw someone else carrying 1 of the other children. I was put in a chair and tied up and got wires on my wrists and ankles and another case on my head. I lay there recovering, realizing they were up to something, but I had absolutely no idea what exactly they were doing.
Suddenly the sound was back and I instantly found myself in that same level of consciousness as in the room. As if my eyes were bulging out and my ears were so open they could tear out at any moment. I felt my eyes open wide and at the moment a screen went on in front of my face with the images of a person running away in the woods, the shock of the current came and the sound became very high and seconds later the sound and the current were gone and the image was someone who was walking leisurely in the woods and encountered a sweet little dog..
I don't know why I remember it all so well, but it all seems to come back one by one and complete the puzzle. It was there and it was all mixed up and now it all fits together. This way and these images were repeated and also with a girl who was cut open who was replaced by a girl who fell, but was helped by those present in the forest. 1 by 1 all those present came along. One helped the girl, another waved sweetly as she walked by and another we 'met' at a campfire with cozy songs, marshmallows and music and happy people.
We were given a bed and allowed to sleep. I barely felt the bed and was already asleep. The next moment we had to get back into the chair with wires on our heads and we were first shown the images that really happened and then the recovery images, the images that had to replace the old ones. I had passed, I didn't have to do it again. Later I knew that it has to do with how much the first images are still doing in your head. If they are too present, the 'treatment' has to be done again, a kind of processing, but different, so that the telling never happens again.
We were taken to the airport, hours in the car before we got there. In the plane I only slept, I was so tired, so intensely tired. At Schiphol Airport I was picked up and allowed to go home.
Programming abroad, about 8 years
Only special people come to this house and let that be you, says the older man in his Dutch with an English accent. It is a fairly small house at the back of E.'s house and there are a number of men in strange suits walking around. Very chic and very official.
I, (the personality part with the name S., part of Esther) am put at a table and get a cup of tea. I enjoy the warmth, I was so cold last night. They seem to know that because the man who speaks some bad Dutch sees it and says: "Isn't that nice, this warmth? Did you have it very cold? I nod yes. I see a glimmer in his eyes and I am glad that he likes it that I answer honestly and talk back. I feel familiar with him.
He asks why it was so cold and I tell about the cold basement and that I had no clothes. He asks who gave me no clothes and I say I don't know the name, so he puts a card with all the pictures on the table. All the faces from the past day and night are on that card and we continue talking and I point out everyone at the end, when he asks who was there. It was a big group. He gives me some more tea and walks away and I look at the pictures and feel myself getting sick. I don't want to think about it, I want to go home. Where is grandpa who brought me, I suddenly think.
The man is suddenly standing next to me. I was lost in thought, not paying attention.
He puts his chair right next to me, sits down and takes a deep breath. I dangle my legs over the chair and suddenly feel the tension rise sky-high. I am scared.
You know, he says, this cottage is only for very special people. I'm very special and I'll make you very special too. Only very special people do their jobs well. Can you do that? I nod, I always do my best.
Okay, then we'll go downstairs and do some very special chores. If you're special enough and you've paid attention, we'll finish and I'll take you to your grandpa. Agreed? I'm nodding. I feel very special and all the intense stuff from the night disappears. I've earned something special. I am special.
We walk down the stone stairs into the basement and I am startled by the things I see there. I see the same things I saw that night. Knives, power stuff, chains, all sorts of things, and a special chair. He sees that I'm scared, stops me and gets on his knees in front of me. Hey, remember, you're special when you're done here. I'm not going to hurt you because you're bad, I'm going to teach you to be special and stay special, just like at school. It's gonna be okay. I'm not gonna hurt you. I breathe a little relieved, but remain hyper-alert and tense.
I get to sit in the chair and I have to make sure I'm comfortable. I don't know what that means but I try to find my place anyway and he gives me a lollipop and says, just relax, I won't hurt you. He goes about his business in the room and I eat my lollipop and indeed, I relax and we even laugh at a joke he makes.
Then he seriously sits down with me. He says we will start, stay relaxed, I won't hurt you. But in this room it is better to make you special.
I have to put my lollipop away and close my eyes. I do exactly what he wants. His voice starts talking soft and heavy and then I have to open my eyes. He does all kinds of things with his fingers and I have to follow it. I tell you later to jump inside. Crawl into a closet and stay there until I call you back okay? I don't know what he means, but the moment I hear his fingers clicking, I jump into my own basement and crawl into the closet. I'm sitting here so relaxed. The next moment he calls me. I hear his voice in the distance and it comes closer and closer. I crawl out of the closet that is in my inner world and I hear his voice say, when I snap again, you come up here with me.
He cut and I'm there. I smile, I wasn't hurt and I enjoyed taking shelter for a while.
We walk upstairs and I get another cup of tea. I don't really understand why, because I have, in my experience, just had some, but I gladly drink it (I didn't realize what I know now, namely that I had spent a whole block of time here).
He showed me the pictures with the ones I saw that night. Remember when you just told me who did what? Do you want to tell it again? I nod yes and look at the pictures, but I can't manage. Every time I want to start, my mouth seems to be blocked and my head hurts a lot. At the moment I really can't try anymore, I look at him and say: I can't do it. I expect a huge beating, because he was so proud of me. He says that I go to the closet every time, which is in my inner world, when someone asks about this and that I am very special now. We'll do it again next time. I'm confused. But hey, I'm special.
He lets the car drive by and I have to get in. I am driven off the estate and dropped off at a hostel where grandpa comes to get me out of the car. He is proud of me, I just don't know why. I step under the shower and am pretty blue and have wounds. I also lose blood and grandpa gives me stuff for it. Suddenly there is a knock at the door. A man with a bag enters and I have to lie on the bed. He looks at me. The man tells me to take something and grandpa and the man talk a bit. While they are talking I feel dizzy and very sleepy. When I come to, the man is gone and grandpa is asleep. I have some kind of bandage in me and pull it out, it hurts. I bleed for a while afterwards. Grandpa gives me painkillers for my belly, he says. I do not feel any pain, but I am also a bit drowsy. We fly home and he brings me with the taxi home. When I get out of the taxi he says, you did great girl, we will do this more often! I feel special.
Now, in early 2021, while processing this memory, my personality part David is there and he is talking. Now it becomes clear that David is the part that was called by the man in the cottage when he sent me, personality part S, away. David has kept all the memories of this. When I, S., was diving into the closet in the inner world at the behest of the man, Amy came. Amy was asked to help find David. He needed David and he knew he was there. Amy had nodded. She knew it too. 
'You always keep your mouth shut huh, little dwarf' the man said to Amy. Amy nodded again. She felt proud. Amy would never tell anything, ever. She does help. everyone she meets she helps. But never tell anyone..... until now.
The last few years she, my part Amy, has been opening her mouth more and more and now I, as adult main part of Esther, can even tell that inner part Amy is telling and helping. That this is now reaching the cult through the website makes it a lot harder, but Amy wants to be free and chooses for this.
Amy knows a lot, almost everything that happened in our lives. And what she doesn't know, other parts do. They're not repressed memories my head makes up. They are pieces of memories that parts have kept inside and now that they dare to speak, tell. This makes the memory complete. The piece in the cellar in the house was not complete. S had the part of going there, the lollipop and leaving again, but Amy and David had the part in between. A piece that is traumatic, has to do with abuse and programming.
Now, May 2021, I know the following happened in the block of time I spent in the cottage. Amy needs to get inside personality part David from the guy. She does. David talks in a soft boy voice and says he is there. The man says he's supposed to come sooner when he's called. When you need to be there, you're right there, he says. David nods. David has to learn to react quickly and gets an assignment. By being pushed under water again and again, just as long as he can hold on, he gets a hyper-focus with a broken will. He doesn't fight anymore and everything the man says and wants, happens.
The man teaches him that when he hears or sees the names of those present that night, that he, inner David, is called forward. And that, when memories come to the surface of the others, he makes them go away. When he comes to the forefront, he pushes the other personality parts away and by the time the others are back there, the conversation is over that is about those acquaintances.
Suppose you are watching the news and one of these persons appears on the screen. Then a part of your personality jumps into a memory of that person, and if David is not quick enough, the whole memory will surface. If he is quick enough, it's just a feeling of not quite being nice to watch, and that ebbs away again because you turn your head away, walk away, or skip it. So subtle, that you don't notice that there's more underneath.
But in the meantime, a lot of things are going on inside. The more hidden parts are indeed triggered by the image of that person on TV and become restless inside. They relive the memory and make sure the main parts stay away from images and sounds that have to do with that person. Also, the vow of silence comes into play, which ensures that really nothing will be told. The part that is responsible for this will look upstairs for a while to ensure this.
Personality part David meanwhile is subjected to a torture of almost drowning and doesn't pull it off. He splits, for he is not winning the battle to stay alive. He falls unconscious and as the man pulls him out of the water, a new part pops up. The man must have noticed, because he puts the body on a chair and looks it deep in the eyes.
Rataplan, there you are at last, how nice to see you. The Amy part has come forward again and is watching. She always keeps an eye on everything and because David gave up, space opened up. The tension was too great so she didn't come to the fore, but the moment David split there was a kind of suction through the space and she could come closer again.
Rataplan learns to respond to words with electroshock and once that is well established, David is called back, given another dip in the water and then returned to the dentist's chair. He is groomed and dried and when his heart rate is below 80, he is allowed to go. He watches the meter carefully, relaxed, relaxed, relaxed. 79, he leaves.
The lollipop is taken and offered and S takes it. It feels nice, but she also feels tension. She is allowed to go upstairs and she thinks nothing has happened.
Personality part Rataplan is called the next moment when we are in the woods. We are at a hunting party with a larger group of people who are not only from England or America, but also from other countries and continents. People who are well known in their country, but also beyond.
The moment a child is burned alive in the fire, Rataplan is summoned. The first thing she sees are the child's bulging eyes. Her first desire is for the water and the choking sensation, which she has stored in herself along with electroshock sensations. She needs the desire for pain, for anaesthesia, for the intense feeling of agony and despair as an escape from the situation. The pain inside has to be felt
She asks for water and everyone starts laughing. She is taken by the same man who tortured her earlier in the cottage to the small river that runs through the forest and is pushed under water. She thinks she is drowning and from now on she is a ghost, the man says.
You can never die again because you are already dead and as a ghost you are always smarter than anyone else. He asks if she wants to stay a ghost and she says yes. Then there are a few rules you have to follow, the man says. 1. nothing is ever said about what goes on with these people. 2. No names are ever mentioned of these people. 3. you never tell how we taught you everything. Rataplan nods, she gets a knife in her hands and cuts her hand. She swears it with the blood of her hand and leaves, leaving another part to take over.
This man who tried to drown us and tortured us in the cottage resurfaced in early May, resulting in a rape. Seeing him and hearing a word pounded into it triggers memories like this where he plays a big part. In the here and now, May 2021 he tries to get the trained parts to react automatically. The part of Rataplan that 'slept' for years was awakened by what he did and said, followed him and during the rape a daily part came back. Not knowing how this happened.
Later in the week a car followed me and signaled. I was supposed to follow him, I could tell from what he was doing, but I didn't. I could well figure that wasn't what I wanted and drove home nicely.
A few years ago, such a stalking car would have resulted in us signalling and chasing the car that is following us. They can then rape us, torture us, wake up other parts and give us assignments with the result that we go back to the cult on our own, 'voluntarily'. Reprogramming.
Time after time, memories are triggered by something the cult does or says and we go full steam after the trigger to fully remember and process it so that every auto-responding part stops responding to the cult. So that any back up/program is rendered harmless. The last few years it has been hard work, but with Jeshua it can be done. It costs everything, but it gives complete freedom. The cult tries to undermine me again and again, but it only makes me stronger and more free. And here I will continue, until everything is told and remembered, which can bring me back in the cult. The truth sets me free, all the crap has to come out.
Jeshua is in control of the process, nothing can stand in the way of that.
. Amy, as the central child, knows a great deal about Esther's inner world. She herself has experienced very serious traumas at a very young age. Afterwards she has become a spectator from within. The cult seems to know this too and uses her here to track down another part. In this case, she has to track down the male personality part David inside. This is a part that was split off a few years earlier during another torture. Here the part, which seems to have been left alone until then, is brought back to the fore for its main task: to protect the name of a female celebrity. David 'himself' writes to me about this: 'I'm a man I hep no fouwuluke side and I hate that too and I'm the bakup for .....(mentions the title of the female celebrity here) and I find mei task very ereg bulangreik so I will noojt vutele dinge that brings her sgade veder may jei alus vraage.'
 Esther means the piece that is missing from the memory that S. told above. Personality parts Amy, David and Rataplan tell the missing piece in the rest of the text. This is called horizontal dissociation: the inner parts S, Amy, David and Rataplan all have a chronologically succeeding piece of this total memory. In this case S. has the non-traumatic part, Amy, the central child part, is used to retrieve part David (part that has come before). David undergoes the torture that aims to forget what has happened in the past days, especially the faces and names of the famous people who were there. And inner part Rataplan is trained to react to certain words with an automatic reflex - immediately following the man who utters certain words.
 The fact that emotional pain can be numbed by other, more physical pain, is something we see in teenagers who cut themselves in their arms, for example. The dissociated personality part Rataplan does the same: the horror of seeing the burn makes her long for the only pain this personality part knows: that of suffocation by almost drowning.
 Yvonne, personality part of Esther, describes here a moment of 'switching' to another personality part. Part Yvonne arrives at the forest house, the atmosphere is charged. She already starts to close herself off and becomes a spectator of herself, as it were, observing herself from the outside. She 'sees' the fear in her own eyes and the 'shrinking of her limbs' and observes the other personality part from the outside.
 'I had betrayed her': she had not actually betrayed this girl, but this is a reality in her emotional world at the time, she is a girl of only 5. Just the bigger girl she had spoken to was dead. The girl who was afraid to be betrayed by her presence. Later on she describes how C. reinforces this feeling of guilt by mentioning that he would actually have preferred a younger girl. He seems to suggest that the other girl was killed instead of her.
 Yvonne, the personality part of Esther, describes how here they try to 'overwrite', as it were, the images of the horrible things that have happened in the past days. First, on a screen, images are shown of what actually happened. Then follows a procedure with electroshock and sounds. Then 'replacement' images are shown on the screen.