Can Esther's memories be made up?
Introduction, October 2021
Esther is married to a partner who has shared her life's joys and sorrows for many years. When my journey as a therapist with Esther began, her partner had been travelling with her for years. Already in the first conversation she told me about the things they had experienced together, that she herself had seen, heard and observed of the dark world in which Esther - next to her normal daily life - also lived. At Esther's request, her partner wrote the testimony below. The therapist who appears in it is an earlier therapist of Esther. The key question in this report is: can Esther's memories be made up?
The story of Esther's partner
Esther and I both grew up in the same village, but we got to know each other much later and got married a few years later. I would like to add a few things to what Esther says. I hope that my writing will bring the existence of satanic ritual abuse more into the light. So that victims can find people who understand them and perhaps want to set off together on the road to freedom and a life of self-determination and self-worth.
Can Esther's memories be made up? No, made-up is impossible. I have been through too much and spent too many nights with her, talking to her during many relives and seeing how she creeps anxiously into a corner at times. I will describe a few situations below.
1. Hatch in the floor
Two years before I met Esther, I had just received the keys to my rented house in the village where I grew up. I was busy with carpeting and cleaning. An unknown man rang the doorbell. He said he had lived in my house. He knew the location of a secret hatch in the floor of an upstairs room. He had lost something and wanted to come and see if it was still there.
Years later, I go to a therapy session with Esther where she recounts some of her experiences. She tells that as a child she was regularly brought to this house - which at the time was my rented house and which was in the same village where she grew up. She tells about the abuse and torture she suffered there. To my surprise, Esther also describes exactly the hatch in the upper chamber, while I know for sure that when I lived there, she never went upstairs.
2. Numbers on the wall
Esther also told me the numbers on the wall of my bedroom, which I had found under the old wallpaper in my rented house.
When the old wallpaper came off during the building work, there were measurements and sums on the wall. This is not uncommon in old houses. But in two rooms, in the middle of a wall, there were four numbers in a row, just like that. It struck me, but what to do with them? I removed them with a piece of sandpaper because I was afraid they would show through the wallpaper. When I met Esther, we lived in my house for a while, because her house was being renovated. Parts of Esther's personality suddenly came to the surface, which I had not known until then. They told memories of things that had happened in my house years before. They were heavy memories and these figures also appeared in them. Esther told me about them. About how and why those numbers had been there. And the meaning of it. I was amazed to recognise the numbers. Esther also told me exactly on which wall and in which place the 4 numbers had been placed. In two different rooms. Even though we had never talked about it together. So she couldn't possibly have made that up.
3. Panicked because we ran out of toilet paper
I will never forget this moment. It was in that same house. When I came home I found her on the floor in the toilet. It was a small toilet: she was stuck between the wall and the toilet. She had taken off all her clothes and was terrified. She had stuffed herself into a corner behind the toilet bowl and was shivering like a leaf. Actually, she wanted to crawl even further away from me, but there was no room. She was visibly frightened of me and did not recognise me. Esther had clearly switched to a very young part in herself. I noticed this in her behaviour, and how she reacted to my reactions. She also suddenly spoke in a child's voice and used three-word sentences. I first tried to make her feel at ease and to introduce myself in order to start a conversation. In the hope of getting her to dare to come out of there. The only words she said to me in great fear were. "It's finished". Finally, I managed to help her put her jumper back on and I dared to lift her out of the corner. My heart really broke to see her sitting there like that. To see such a young girl in such a state of total fear is horrible, and then also in an adult body. What is going on that is happening to someone?
The moment I want to lift her out, she freezes with fear and switches back to an older part. Esther has no idea what happened, let alone why. After several conversations with her therapist, what was going on comes to light. At a very young age, Esther was held responsible for refilling the toilet paper in this house. And if she failed to do so, an enormously criminal, long-term punishment followed. So, when Esther found an empty roll of toilet paper alone in this house that day, this re-experience surfaced in full force and when I entered the room, she was completely back to that moment.
4. Wounds on her body
I remember well how Esther was when she came home in the afternoon after being unexpectedly dragged into a van. Symbols carved into her skin. With a completely white face, paralysed by stress and panic, she came home. No longer able to tell what was going on. Let alone indicate what she needed. I put her to bed.
Fortunately, our babysitter had time to stay longer. This way I could stay with her and by talking to her calmly and naming the facts of our life here and now, Esther slowly got her grip on life again. After more than an hour, she was able to tell me a little about what had happened. Unfortunately, this was not the only time Esther came home with wounds and scars on her body ...
These wounds were clearly carved into her skin on purpose and clearly also with experience: deep enough to be visible and not too deep to do too much damage. Purposely made symbols. Like an inverted cross, triangles, and other signs.
Often on her buttocks, belly and soles of her feet. And then placed in such a way that it can be read by another person. Also on places that were unreachable for her, such as her back, I found symbols carved into her skin at several different times. Many scars still bear witness to this every day.
5. Symbols written in blood on our windows
Esther regularly retreats to the back room of our house. For the necessary rest, but also for indoor time: time that processes between the different parts can take place. I am used to this from her. It has become a routine. She uses this inner time to write out memories together with her various inner parts. Everyone gets the chance to tell his or her part of the memory. But also to simply discuss the division of the running and daily business.
In the past, each inner part had its own task inside and outside the cult. This was tightly divided, divided and delimited. Because of this, all the terrible rapes and tortures and other horrible events could not be told. Now that the different parts are getting to know each other and developing ways to communicate with each other, the balance is changing and they need to agree to live together.
But I remember one time she didn't want it any more. She was tired of the back room, she said. Had been there enough. Esther really avoided the place. She couldn't really indicate why. Esther misses the indoor time and her moment of rest, which causes her to get stuck in daily life and makes things too much for her.
After a few days, I find an inverted cross drawn in a corner on the outside of the window. It seems to be drawn with a bloody finger. We were not able to test if it was really blood. The police did not think it necessary to come for this. After removing this symbol, the aversion to the back room disappeared and Esther could find her moments of peace there again.
Another time, Esther did not dare to go to the toilet alone for a few days. She was afraid that the toilet window would not close properly. I often had to check this for her. There was also a lot of commotion around our house. Not only the headlights of cars, but also people from the cult who were familiar to Esther, who kept walking past and making subtle gestures. That's why I didn't immediately make the connection to the window. A good friend came to hang cameras in front of and behind our house to record the activities around our house. He then discovered a cross written in blood upside down on our toilet window. There is almost no light coming in through this window because of all the things in our garden and it has a milk glass window with a relief in it. Because of this, we had not seen this from the inside. We cleaned the window. Immediately the fear of going to the toilet on our own disappeared.
This happened several more times. And once also at my eye level a reverse cross written in blood on the outside of our sliding door. I am a lot taller than Esther. I couldn't miss it and it was the first thing I saw when I opened the back door. It was really meant for me. After installing the security cameras, this never happened again.
I will not soon forget the time when Esther crawled into a corner of the sofa in the middle of the night in total fear. One of the younger parts was bothered by a noise from outside. She interpreted it as a threatening message from the cult. With great difficulty she told me of the sound of a cat outside. I responded, "Honey, you don't have to be afraid of a cat that meows," and I went into the garden to see which cat it was. In the garden, a man could be heard trying to imitate the sound of a cat, and he was really bad at it. I just couldn't believe my ears: this clearly audible adult man doing a poor imitation of a cat in the middle of the night. And not just once, as a joke, for example. No, he did it in a certain rhythm and kept it up for quite a while. Really bizarre. It gave several parts of Esther a lot of stress. Really bizarre for me to hear. If Esther hadn't been so terrified of this, I would have laughed at this ridiculous performance at around 3 a.m., in a quiet residential area in an average village.
7. Flashing car lights
Then there are the many times that car headlights shine in, flashing with different rhythms. We have a car park in front of our house. With regularity, cars stand there blinking their headlights. Not once or twice. But always a few times. Then a pause. And then again. Another time, cars starting up and going off again. Starting again and going out again. A pause..... during which the driver sometimes gets out. He walks away for a moment, comes back, and then the same ritual repeats.
All things that are done subtly until you start paying attention and it even happens daily at times. And it happens in such a way that you would not notice it if it were not meant for Esther. When I start paying attention to it and observe Esther, I see what it does to her: insecurity, fear, readiness. Fortunately, she is getting stronger and is more and more free from the urge to give in to various signals. That gives a lot less stress for both of us.
8. Torches over the fence
In a certain period, several person parts had reached the point that they no longer listened to the commands of the cult. We were sitting inside together on the couch. Esther became restless. And I noticed that she was switching between parts more than usual. Until one part told me: "They want me to come. We had seen the headlight signals from the car together and they were gone. But the unrest in Esther was undiminished. Then I saw two torches in the back garden shining over the fence. Some of Esther's people panicked. They were convinced that she would be picked up and told me they were sure to be killed. Because they had not listened for so long and did not do what they were supposed to do. An older part took over, but there was also great unrest. The torches kept coming, back and forth, and they didn't seem to go away by themselves. The fear was high and calling the police caused even more stress. Esther also has several very nasty memories of abuse and torture by men in police uniforms. Calling the police would therefore only make things worse. After much talking and deliberation, we agreed that we would call the police and not allow them to come to our house. We then called the police and told them that people were shining over the fence with torches. They promised to come and look in the neighbourhood. And certainly not to ring our doorbell. Within fifteen minutes, a police car drove through the street and around our block of flats. This was enough to bring back the peace around our house. The calm in Esther was not immediately restored. Especially the younger parts could not believe that they were safe. But when it remained quiet for over an hour, the tension subsided. However, memories had been triggered and traumas connected to them that needed to be processed.
9. I could go on and on with specific things that I have experienced, each of which has had a major impact on Esther:
- Animals cut open in the garden.
- The symbols and signals given by transients.
- The bizarre way in which a general practitioner lost his temper on the telephone because she no longer wanted to stay at the practice where she had been all her life.
- The many threatening emails that Esther, but also I myself and people around us receive.
- On the motorway, cars that want to drive between her and me when we are travelling together. Who want to push her off the road. Bizarre manoeuvres, 3 cars at the same time that want to enclose her and drive me off the road.
- The car with a number on the side window when we went to another province. This turned out to be a code that had meaning for Esther.
- People - for example, a 'seller of energy contracts' - at the door, who don't ring the bell for the whole street, but only for us and the neighbours. I open the door, but through the images of the surveillance camera, Esther recognises the person from the cult.
- The mechanic who comes by for maintenance, but who at other times also walks past our house signalling.
- Cars with ''loitering youths'' when I return my work car to the office, while my colleagues never experience this.
So when I look back over the past years, in which Esther and I have been through a lot, there is no doubt in my mind that what Esther says is true.