What a journey from almost a hundred parts to just me. Does it feel lonely? No. Not at all actually. I can multitask less now, I can be less sharp at times and people around me find me changed. But lonely: no.
During my blog on 13 June 2022, I already mentioned a bit that we are on our way to integration and also in the interview of 7 October 2022 (https://keuringsdienstvanwaarheid.nl/189-ritueel-misbruik-en-verdrongen-herinneringen-aline-terpstra-esther I am already talking about this. It is a process in which we started consciously integrating the first parts over 9 months ago. A very special process, but also lead and lead-heavy.
Saying goodbye to small parts that were really ready to stop doing their job and to say goodbye to their loneliness, their solitude, was special. For most, we had some words we shared with them and a few wanted to share some words of their own as farewells. Some inside to each other and some outside, to my therapist and my partner. There were a lot of emotions involved, but it was also beautiful and warm. They came home 1 by 1 sort of.
The big parts would never integrate. At least, that was what we told ourselves. This was not a goal, never was and was not desired at all, but the process was different. Jeshua had the process incredibly in His hands all these years and never let go of us. Every step was arranged by Him and could not have been done if He was not there.
Over the past few months, there had been constant moments where we kept bumping into a mega-sized memory. So big that we thought we could go as far as here, but no further. It was too heavy and too difficult and giving up was totally out of the question. But we had to go through it, and if we didn't, we experienced that we were not doing God's will, and then we were in terrible pain. Or very intense nightmares or triggers during the day, it was hell.
The moment then came closer and closer that we did enter into that memory and while processing it, a longing for wholeness and really sharing all the emotions and all the facts with the other parts arose. There came a kind of primal longing for each other, for merging, for belonging and being in each other and several times it happened that at the end of such a memory, the 2 most important parts of that memory came together and one invited the other to come into her. Integration then took place. It hurt tremendously, to feel all the emotions of the other and to know exactly what the other had experienced. All the facts came out in the open, it only got heavier, but also more beautiful.
With each integration, I noticed that I could use more senses. I learnt to recognise the smells of greenery when I was outside. I experienced the wind as intense and my tastes changed when I ate. I began to sleep differently sometimes, without nightmares and what was most miraculous, my physical symptoms lessened. I had been suffering from conversion symptoms for over 9 years and these began to resolve more and more with each integration.
For the last 4 parts, I had to completely isolate myself from my regular life and also from all the trigger in my environment. I went away for an extended period of time.
My goal even then was not integration. My goal was to go through the deepest and toughest memories. I expected to totally collapse and be unable to respond appropriately. Before this, it was impossible to be at home and 'just' have to run the family and work after intense processing work.I needed space to scream, cry, scream, hide, everything I wanted in the worst nightmare, but awake.
Along the way, I was blood nervous. I felt that this step of going somewhere to go through the very last and toughest memories would be very important, but also super difficult. Besides, it had a lot of impact on the people around me and I couldn't just come back and say 'sorry, I didn't want to anyway, or I thought it was too hard.' If I made this choice to take this on, I had to take it on and that choice was leaden.
For years, I longed for an opportunity to let myself go completely. Crying I slowly learned a little more, but really intense crying or screaming was impossible for me. But deep, very deep inside, there was an intense need to be able to do that, before I could not go to the pain that was so deep inside. We drove into the mountains and while the tunnels triggered me and gave me feelings I always resisted, I also felt the longing to just be allowed to cry and maybe even scream.
Since it was also just before Halloween, emotions were already running quite high. Memories of these days surfaced, in addition to memories that surfaced of places we had driven past. One morning, a big person part remembered a castle that stood in this country that we had memories of. We decided to drive there and see what would happen. The drive was 2 hours away and as we got closer, the excitement increased.
Jeshua's voice was soft and loving, but so clear. I am going with you, He said. I didn't even ask what, hadn't presented anything, but I knew what He meant. I needed to get on with my process and deal with things. I panicked inside. I didn't want to. I wanted to crawl into my bed under the covers and not come out this day. What a k-day and then also on my birthday. Nobody gets it into their head to go to one of the worst places of your life on their birthday to remember it. For a moment, I was so angry at Jeshua: 'why can't things go easy for once, why does everything have to be so hard?' It felt so unfair.
The way there was with panic feeling inside to enjoying the scenery. What a rollercoaster. Once almost in the vicinity, panic gripped me. I didn't dare go any further, but nowhere was there a place to stop. I really thought I couldn't keep the handlebars straight anymore, that it would go wrong, I couldn't, until a stopping spot. My co-driver was able to take over and I was able to unload a bit. How badly I wanted to go back, but again there was the little voice, 'I'm there'. Gulp, moving on.
The first moment I saw the castle was a stab in my heart. It hurt so much. I felt such intense pain. Such intense desolation and terrible feelings that should never have been there, I had to get rid of it I thought to myself, but the images forced themselves upon me. The stones on the outside that showed the stones on the inside. The iron chains on the wall to which I was tied, naked, sitting on the floor with my arms raised in those chains, My ankles also stuck in chains, wide-legged and the rats that came to watch. Who bit my foot, came between my legs and the extreme fear of them walking in. The hairs on their heads that 'tickled' me and increased the fear. The unexpected movements of the head and tail that came from below and against the inside of my thighs. The fear was so intense. I sat there for hours and hours, with the rats, on the icy ground, alone. There, that castle which was right in front of my eyes. where people walked in and out to see the beautiful castle, there in that basement was my place of horror. Were people walking there then too? Was it a haunt then too, when I was standing there in agony?
The next part between ''The known culprit ...'' and the dotted line is a memory that surfaced while seeing the castle. If this is too intense to read, read on after the --- dotted line.
The familiar culprit who came in as the rats ran away and he pissed me under. The ice-cold bucket of water and his thing in me after he took me off the wall and threw me on the table. I couldn't even cooperate anymore because I was too stiff and cold.
The girl who was brought in and skinned alive. I kept my mouth on her, she had to be quiet, but the fear in her eyes, the intense pleasure in this man's eyes and the trophy he held up to another perpetrator. Everything passed by like fragments and it engulfed me.
Then the person with me read out that events were being organised and in a split second the images of the ceremony of someone with a lot of power came. Hundreds were present there, all in black and red and purple tunic and we, 27 women stood in a round circle.
After the official ceremony, which I experienced like a blur, the auction began. 'Who will bid to skin 1 of these beauties alive?", it was shouted. 1 million, 2 million and the bids went higher and higher. The fear inside was intense, but I fell more and more into a trance and could neither think nor feel, I was gone. In my feelings then. I heard everything, I saw the men walking around our circle, looking into our eyes and choosing who they wanted to have what they had paid so much money for.
Live skinning went to a teenage girl of about 14 with breasts. He sat on that before choosing her, I guess he wanted to do that first.
She shouted no, I am obeying, I am loving you, don't kill me. He laughed and pointed at her and the 'guardian' pulled her out of the circle behind him out of the room. She screamed and shouted, but no one cared.
I would soon be taken too and I would meekly walk along. The pain they would inflict on me would be my friend. I looked forward to it and wanted it and finally peace, but with each auction piece, our circle became emptier and I was left standing and I became desperate.
I looked desperately at a man walking around in the circle. Please take me, my eyes said. Please take me and kill me. He had offered to put a flamethrower in the buttocks, but I didn't care, I wanted to die and get away from here. But he took a girl of about 4/ 5 years old who didn't understand anything and didn't understand what was in store for her.
I was still in the circle along with another girl about 12 years old. the auction stopped and the men started walking and I panicked: ''What now? We are over but we can't, what now?''
I looked at her, saw her huge blank stare and it seemed like I suddenly felt all hope fading away. I don't know why I had hope or what it was about, but it was suddenly gone, totally gone. I panicked again for a moment, looked at her as she looked away and tried to puzzle, but couldn't, until a man grabbed me from behind, threw me on his shoulder and started the orgy. There were many of them and 2 of us. I didn't make it to the end and woke up in the house.....
The house we went to before the meeting in this castle and after.
The torture house, on top of the mountain. I drove there in no time this day. I knew exactly which way to go, how the turns would go and where it stood. It was very scary to know the road so well when I had deliberately never been here before. I knew exactly how the corners felt.
The electroshocks and waterboarding were there, but especially the extreme oral sex up to suffocation. Going out due to lack of oxygen and then waking up at the water wheel was always what happened.
I had to forget the images of the perpetrators and then I succeeded. During the spinning and electroshocks, I saw images of another country, holidays with a swimming pool, with music, with beaches, with eating chips I could never taste, but I was in a room with torture equipment.
The baby I became pregnant with when I was 27 was conceived here. Born in the castle and I ate it while it was still alive. It's coming up now. I don't know what to do with it with all these emotions.
The memories of this castle was 1 of the big secrets that still divided some parts. Telling it, opened the way to integration, whatever happened next.
Each integration of the last 4 parts involved sharing these kinds of intense memories and secrets, and we had to choose per memory to want to know and feel it.
The sheer amount of feelings that have come in since integration is really huge. From all parts, I feel their emotions. Do I know their memories? Sometimes with difficulty, but I can access them and I see my past and present from a different perspective.
From nothing wrong, a girl who just went to school and had a life in a family, to a life where I can look back on a totally different life than I ever thought I had.
Yes, I was a girl going to school and living in a family, but everything else was really unfamiliar to me. As soon as I discovered a bruise, or felt I had pads in, I lost time and the next moment it was no longer there. I very often thought I had gone mad. That I was imagining things. But now I know there are parts that have kept it from me. These half memories now fall naturally into a kind of puzzle and my life suddenly made sense. My puzzle was in thousands of pieces and now it is 1 whole where I can remember every piece.
I have been very sad and still a bit. That parts were needed to bear all this misery for me. I always thought I had a normal life and I was able to think and feel that because of them.
The immense pain, anguish and sacrifices borne by the other parts is unfathomable. Not bearable either. The moment I went to a memory and got feelings with it, it was so intensely heavy. I have never felt so much fear. Agony to the point where I didn't even dare to go to the toilet. The light had to stay on and if the person who was with me moved even a little, I thought I was going to die. So much fear. Almost succumbing.
Besides these emotions, I have felt intensely sad, lost and lonely. I used to say I wasn't much of a whiner. In fact, I never cried. A very occasional one at a really good film or when someone I loved very much died, but real tears were never those.
While processing, while feeling all the intense memories of the other parts, but thus also of me as a person, I had so many intense tears. So much sadness, so much pain and so much desolation. It all came out. The depth of this pit seemed endless, but the bottom could be seen. I felt the bottom. All my life floating in a kind of no man's land, I went through the greatest hell and now at the end of that hell I see green leaves and a bottom.
I screamed and cried intensely, I collapsed completely, but got up again.
Am I capable of building a life in this new world as a whole person with all the emotions there are?
The above I wrote largely the day the last part was integrated. The ferocity of meeting all the parts with their emotions and allowing these parts into myself was staggering and I have no words to really describe it well. But the fact is that I will never forget this moment. The compassion for myself (read my person parts) I have never experienced before. I felt so intensely sorry for that piece of myself that I did have to carry the pain with me. At the same time, I saw the beautiful and special sides of that part so that I also felt the longing for unity with her at the same time. The next step was that we both took a step closer to each other and the part merged into me, after which I felt so much love and compassion which expressed itself in more unity.
Meanwhile, I have been living as 1 person for a few weeks now. I no longer miss time and I experience everything as very much and very intense. All the emotions that can be there sometimes flood me, because where I never felt fear, I can now feel fear and where I could never feel love, I now feel love. It is a whole new process in search of who I, as a whole, really am. Can I live without running away? Can I feel like others? I go on my way, one step at a time. Together with Jeshua, I go on the road in trust. My life is just beginning and I find it heart-breakingly scary, but this is what I have fought very hard for, so I keep going, hoping that many more will follow. Because back to the cult, I never want that again. Feeling more love and trust, though. I have experienced that I can grow in this, let it become more!