Aline Terpstra, GZ-psychologist and therapist of Esther, February 21, 2021
Here you will find fragments of the unpolished story of Esther's life as she has written it. She has written much more and the total story of her life is much more complex, but for this website we have chosen to publish a few memories from her first 10 years and one from early adulthood. Even though this is only a small part of her life story, it is an extremely shocking and chilling account. In the articles under 'treatment of Esther' I have explained in detail why I believe Esther's story. If you think: but that does not fit into one life, so much suffering, then you are absolutely right. It doesn't fit either. That is why Esther, just like many other victims, was divided into pieces inside. And is not (yet) a whole of one person with a coherent sense of self, but a person who gives place to many parts, each with their own sense of self and their own piece of life history.
The perpetrators have been anonymised, as have other people involved and other characteristics that are too easily traceable to Esther. However, the names of the perpetrators mentioned are all known to her. These include high-ranking people at home and abroad. These names are ready, including more details of their crimes and supporting evidence, to be brought out in the event of the murder of Esther or her next of kin.
As described in the articles about Esther's treatment, different parts of the personality have held on to different (pieces of) memories. In the process of coping these pieces come together more and more. Some of the memories have been written down separately at first, with the different paragraphs very clearly written by different parts: some in phonetic writing and very childish, other pieces in English or almost perfect Dutch. As the processing progressed and the adult parts absorbed the emotions and experiences of the child parts, it became one continuous memory in ordinary language. In this raw report you can sometimes still see something of this process because in some parts of the story the spelling is better than in others and because a part is written in English.
Esther's story echoes the stories of all those children and adults who are also now being horribly abused in the cult, porn and (torture) sex industries. This is happening now. In our country and beyond, hidden from our sight, but right under our noses. Not only in houses and remote barns, but also in churches, country houses, (private) estates and castles. Reading Esther's story, and in her story the enormous suffering of many children and adults, cannot and should not leave anyone unmoved.
A large part of the Dutch population did not acknowledge the existence of the Holocaust until after the Second World War. That was far too late. How many more Jews and other victims could have been saved if people had read 'mein kampf' en masse and taken the signs seriously? History does not have to be repeated. All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing,' said the French philosopher Edmund Burke. But what will happen if good people en masse use their influence for good in their own lives?
At the same time, I can well imagine that it's far too much to read in one sitting. Take care of yourself: there's nothing wrong with spreading the reading of her story over several days.
And also: there can be good reasons to decide not to read her story or not to read it in its entirety: for example, if you yourself are a victim of sexual abuse, (emotional) neglect, mistreatment and/or torture, whether or not in a ritual context, Esther's story can undermine you. Handle yourself with care and read it with someone else or not/not now. There is a time for everything.
But don't let the reason be that you don't want your comfortable image of our relatively safe and fair Western democratic rule of law disturbed. That is a choice, an ethical choice, that has consequences. Consequences for victims, who remain horribly alone, but also consequences for the kind of society our children will grow up in. I urge you to choose not to let the Esthers of our society fight alone. They need us! Let's stand beside them en masse, in whatever way - no matter how small it may seem - and stand up for them! That's not charity, that's doing justice.
Esther, 21 February 2021
0-10 years My life at home and at school
The company bell rings. A loud, shrill sound fills my ears and I'm hyper-alert in a second. Sometimes every 30 seconds, sometimes it takes minutes, but that bell keeps going, all day long.
When the bell doesn't ring for a while, I know we're about to have dinner. That means evening and in a moment I long for the bell again. The bell that keeps me so alert, awake and lets me know it's day, not night. The bell that tells me that everything that happens is usually clear beforehand or at least predictable. The bell that tells me I can go to school, or to the animals, with whom I can cuddle and talk for hours and hours or hide. In the middle of the meadow, in the night pen of the goats, I lie down and crawl with them. That I was lying there in their shit didn't matter to me.
Those were the days I had room to be away for a while or to pretend I was elsewhere and no time. At home, it was doing chores, cooking dinner, doing housework. At home you weren't sitting on your lazy bottom, you were working, in whatever capacity.
I didn't mind working, I was good at it and had energy for 10, but I needed my moments to stare and go out. I needed to be able to hit the standby button once in a while, so my mind could go on hiatus for a while and my body could be numb for a while without having to deal with pain. A kind of reset time.
That teachers often found me staring didn't surprise me when I read that while I was older. I didn't experience my school days as unpleasant. I was not a girl who was always bullied. Sometimes I was. But there were worse cases than me, I was clean, I wore clean clothes, but my reports mention a quiet girl who isolates herself in the schoolyard, stares a lot in class and wants to do her work perfectly. No comments on learning achievements, I was always very diligent, so probably no reason for concern either.
If I heard about my children standing isolated in a corner on the playground and staring a lot in class, I would sound the alarm. I would get worried and find out what my child needed. A talk at school, a psychologist, everything comes to mind, but my parents were busy. They didn't have time for it. At least, those were the reasons I always heard, but is it true?
We are visiting granddad and grandma. Usually we do that on Sunday afternoons, but I don't know if it's Sunday afternoon now. It is cozy. My mother is talking, grandma has put yummy things on the table and I get a cookie in my hands. Actually I want something from the table too, but I don't dare to take it. I walk a bit wobbly, have trouble with my balance and grandpa calls me, as if he's super happy to see me. He opens his arms and I have to walk towards him. I don't want to, but my father encourages me and says, you want to sit with grandpa, come.
I listen to my dad, he feels safe and okay and I go to grandpa's arms and grandpa lifts me up. I see my grandpa smiling at me. He holds me and puts me on his lap over and over again. I have my belly facing him and he sits.
As he keeps putting me down and sliding closer to him, it feels hard between my legs. He smiles, I can tell he's smiling, but it hurts and he doesn't stop. I can feel the confusion going through my head. I look at dad who is also laughing and mom and grandma who are talking are also laughing. The confusion only gets worse.
As he continues and doesn't stop, I look at the orange/brownish lamp above the table. One of those old-fashioned kind of chandelier with one of those brown cloth shades hangs above the oak round table. I feel trapped by the colors of the light that tries to come out through the chandelier and try to figure out how. Why do I see what I see. I am distracting myself so as not to feel the confusion of what is happening.
Another time it is very busy at grandpa and grandma's house. There is a lot of family, uncles and aunts, cousins and nieces. We often visit them on Sundays, we have to. If grandpa wants me on his lap it becomes less fun. Sometimes he whispers a word in my ear and sometimes he hurts me. If I don't wear a dress or skirt, he gets angry. I have to make sure I always wear a skirt to church, pants are really not an option. I nod. I always listen carefully, I am an obedient child and next time I will ask my mother for a skirt. Or a dress, because that is allowed too. I don't want grandpa to be angry with me. But when it's sunday and we go to church I don't want to wear a skirt or dress, because when we're at grandpa's and grandma's, grandpa can hurt me and everyone sees it. Everyone is there and likes it and that is stupid. If I wear pants then grandpa can't see me but grandpa makes me wear them. I still complain about the skirt.
He pulls me on his lap and makes me sit so that he can get his big hands under my skirt. Most of the time he gives me a handfull of chips or nuts, so I can't resist. But when I come to grandpa and grandma another time, I don't get any more food, because I already had it on Sunday when I'm sitting on his lap. Grandpa gave it to me himself and he saw it, so I can't say I'm hungry.
While he is talking with my uncles and aunts, mother and father and grandmother and sometimes a niece a compliment or question, his big hand goes under my skirt and his thick finger seeks a way inside. He is always rooting around because he can't reach it very well and doesn't look because he talks to others and is very sociable but doesn't look where the finger is. His nail hurts and every time I am afraid he will break it and I will bleed. Because then I will be punished and I will have done something wrong and the next time I am alone with grandpa the punishment will be even worse. Then I have not practiced enough and I am too small, so grandpa calls it. If you're too small, it hurts and you bleed, so you have to get bigger. You do that with your finger, with a candle, with a thick pen and then you have to keep looking for thicker and bigger things, because then it goes well. I totally believed it.
He had promised me that if I practiced well and no one would see, I wouldn't have to walk and sleep with the plug when I was with him. I really wanted that, so I tried my best.
But now I was sitting on his lap, in the big grandpa chair, with about 20 people around us and children walking by to get something nice and grandpa was putting his finger in my crotch. I was not allowed to let on that it sometimes hurt, that he just sat wrong or took a piece of skin and when he did sit right, that he got excited and his crotch got bigger. Nobody was allowed to notice anything, everybody laughed and talked and so did grandpa and I, not me. I stared in front of me, laughed sometimes when I thought I was asked to and wanted to go home as soon as possible. Yet I always thought there was something wrong with me. Everyone laughed, everyone watched and was there, only I didn't like it. I was just bad.
The days I wasn't at my grandparents' house, we went to see them after church on the Sundays. It was an obligation, you just went.
When I was a little girl, Grandpa used to want me to sit on his lap while my aunts and uncles and my cousins were there. We were always spoiled with nice things like cake and cookies, but I had to sit on grandpa's lap.
I often saw aunts look jealous, because their children often didn't get the chance to be with grandpa, because of this I often got remarks like grandpa is the sweetest grandchild and so on, but I hated those. If I sat on grandpa's lap, it was not nice to sit on grandpa's lap. Sometimes I had to go to the toilet and take off my underpants and put them in the band of my skirt, so I didn't lose them. Then I'd come back and he'd be able to reach it better.
Like a tame sheep I listened time and again to what he told me, from a very young age. Grandpa was not to be trifled with, even if he seemed a little old man with a sweet smile. I often went out with him.
Besides the moments during the day, the nights were very scary. He could stand by my bed at any moment, when I had accidentally fallen asleep, and he could call me to come and lie in bed with him and grandma, so that I could see what he was doing to grandma.
Often I had to watch and then fall asleep between them, but when I got older they also had sex with me. Sometimes grandpa strangled grandma and I had to watch how long she held out while he raped her, If I said stop too soon, he did that to me. Grandma's eyes are burned into me.
From the age of 4, grandpa regularly came to my room in their house. I had my own room where sometimes objects were placed that frightened me. Once there was a jam jar with eyes to keep an eye on me.
Grandpa taught me how to make myself bigger from below, I had to walk around all day with a kind of plug and in the evening I was tested if I could have sex better. I got used to routines and functioned on them. Routines became my control points and my footing. I knew what was going to happen and it made me kind of happy. That's why I went the extra mile for those routine moments.
Grandpa was the kind who was always unpredictable. You never knew at what point he could turn and you almost never knew when you had done something wrong. He always had a reason and I was always too stupid to understand it.
I think I was not yet 4 years. Grandpa had taken me to one of his friends and he had told me to behave. I had to listen to what the gentleman wanted, but he was not allowed in my secret hole. I had 2 holes. One secret and one fuck hole. The secret one is only for something special and when I manage to protect it until my wedding ceremony is, I will finally be glorified.
I did not know what the words meant, but I knew very well the difference between the two holes and what I had to say if someone wanted to take the wrong one. I had to say no, in the name of Nimanuel. I had practiced it so many times.
It had happened once that someone tried it. It felt all the wrong way when he wanted to go in and I instinctively knew that was that spot I had to protect. I'd finished that sentence, he'd been startled and stopped. It took a while for him to want to continue with me. I had to lick up his lollipop first.
This man was different from the men who wanted in that hole. This man was tender and didn't want me to just lay on the bed naked. That what I had learned from Grandpa. This man wanted me to dance for him, drink from a very nice wine glass and wanted to talk to me.
We sat on the floor with a doll and a stuffed dog and had conversations. He asked me what I liked and enjoyed about food and if I ever made love to a gentleman. I didn't know what that meant and he went on to explain that. He told me how it should be and that it has to be good and that he is going to teach me because he really loves me.
I started to open up and get excited inside and in the meantime got a lollipop to eat. He told me what the lollipop meant to me and what it meant to men and that I should think about that when I help them with their lollipop if they want it. We started practicing and I listened very well. Everything he did very gently and carefully and each step was really step by step. I felt free to say what I wanted and what I didn't and even asked a few questions.
He came by what I did to him and he rewarded me again with a candy. He said what kind of feeling that brought him and said I could feel that too. I got curious and wanted to know what he meant. I had to lie down and feel what he was doing. I panicked enormously when he touched me between my legs and felt my dreams shattered, but he stopped right away. I see that you don't like this, he said, I stop. I felt the huge surprise in me at his stopping and his words and recovered quickly. You have to say what you want okay, but we are going to achieve that you feel the same as me, he said clearly. It made me turn a switch and I really wanted to feel it. I was open to it, even though I didn't understand a thing of what he wanted and meant.
I had to lie down and got a beautiful cuddly toy in my hands. Just cuddle with it, he said, and feel what I do. If it gets to be too much, you hug it extra and then you get a nice strong feeling and everything starts to tingle and then you've done it. Shall we go for an ice cream afterwards? I get excited and say yes. I am so corruptible.
He goes with his mouth between my legs and sometimes it becomes too much. Sometimes it hurts and I cuddle the bear very much, but suddenly it gets so bad that I want to kick him away and then he holds me in a kind of grip until it is over. Everything tingles and I want to do it again, but I feel guilty and ashamed of what is happening.
I get an ice cream and we have a nice conversation, I like it. That he has sex with me afterwards I don't mind anymore. He makes me feel special and I want that again and again.
When I'm picked up by grandpa again, they talk a bit and then we go to his house. So lady, grandpa says, so you have been screaming. I shout no, but grandpa doesn't see it. He has to laugh, I don't understand.
The following times this also happens with grandpa and I start to like grandpa more each time. When he's in a good mood, he lets me have that special feeling and it always feels like I connect with him more and more. He is my sneaky boyfriend and I love him.
First time to the group
We run through the house, 4 other kids and me. We are all naked and the men smoke and drink and talk and sometimes pull me on their lap. Sometimes they sit between my legs with their hands and then I get scared and then they let go and I go on playing and forget for a moment what happened. I am also enjoying myself with the other children, because I don't see many other children and at grandpa and grandma's they never let me play, but now I can.
The living room is large and has dark brown furniture. There is a large round table with wooden chairs and above it hangs a large, old-fashioned yellow lamp. There is a painting on the wall, but I don't remember what it says. Apparently I didn't care about it. On the coffee table are square glasses with a yellowish color of liquor and cigars in a glass. The cigars always intrigue me and sometimes I smell them. It smells good.
Two children in the back of the room are playing with barbies and cars and 1 other child is sitting on someone's lap. The men, where grandpa also belongs to, are sitting in the living room in a kind of circle. Some of them have a glass in their hands. There is a lot of talking and laughing and sometimes we have to come to them. Then grandpa calls me, picks me up and laughs and talks while he is touching my belly or buttocks. Sometimes he puts a finger between my buttocks and the others laugh.
I want to run away all the time, but I don't dare. I obediently do what he tells me to do and don't think for a moment about not listening.
When he lets me get off his lap again, I want to run backwards, but while running I'm caught by another man who also pulls me on his lap. Look, feel, he says, while he puts my hand on the bulge in his pants. Nice, that's your lollipop. The others laugh again.
When I'm playing again a while later, I'm suddenly pulled up by my hair and I have to follow. I hear the men laughing.
In the room, Grandpa is lying on a girl who is not moving. It startles me to see Grandpa acting like this and making noises and the girl hanging so limp and not moving. My head is going haywire and I can't figure out what is happening. The body moves because of what grandpa is doing to her, like a rag doll that is being pulled and pushed.
Grandpa says he is going to teach me how to do things, but I don't know what kind of things he means. Meanwhile, I keep hearing the men in the other room laughing again, I hear a girl scream, which grabs me very deep inside.
I see a camera pointed at the bench where grandpa is raping the girl. In this room it is very cold and the coldness comes slowly up through my feet from the concrete into my body. At grandpa's I see that there is cardboard on the floor and I actually want to stand there, because that is less cold, but of course I don't dare move.
I'm distracted. Grandpa says, "Keep watching. I'm teaching you something. Pay attention. I nod. The girl still has her eyes closed and isn't moving anything on her own. When Grandpa finishes and gets off her, he puts her down differently. There is some sort of large implement to which a sort of bench is attached and in the air hangs a sloping blade. There are ropes attached to it and it is made of wood. Later I know it's a scaffold from the old days. A toy of grandpa's.
She is laid down on the case and I am given a rope in my hands and the man says hold on tight. Look, he says, and he loosens the rope a bit and then the slanted blade goes down a bit and makes a very unpleasant sound. He pulls it up again and then hands it to me. I have to hold the rope and when I let go, the blade goes down. I can see what happens next. The girl is under it and then I will hurt her and I shouldn't. I will do my best to hold on tightly and then she can come out from under it and grandpa will grab the rope again and then everything will be solved.
The camera is on and there I am with that rope. The girl lies still, she doesn't move. It's heavy and I'm holding on less and less. It's as if the rope is getting heavier by the minute. I try really hard but I can't do it anymore and I feel the rope rubbing in my hands. I can't stand it anymore it hurts. I want to hold on and I want to hold on but I just really can't anymore. It's too heavy.
When my hands can't take it anymore I hear this awful sound. It hurts so much in my ears like knives being stuck in them. I can't take it anymore. I close my eyes, but it's too late and I see the blade slide through her and the head fall to the ground.
I stand as if nailed to the ground and can no longer react. I see the blood spurting out and I see her head lying on the ground, looking at me with her eyes open. Time stood still, nothing was in my thoughts anymore and sounds like grandpa walking by, did not come in anymore.
Grandpa enters and the man who is following him says right away, you see what you have done, you will have to pay for that. It is your fault that you have killed this girl. Your fault, you hear me. I make sure that you never forget. I heard it, but the words didn't come. They flew past me like a cold breeze and nothing mattered anymore. I was empty, barren, my life was no longer there. Everything had been swept away.
He picks me up and lays me on my belly, on the girl without a head. I lie there for a long time and the little body gets colder and colder. She has become cold by the time I realize she is cold. I slowly come to realize and also realize that I am hungry, need to pee and very thirsty. I can still hear the men in the other room laughing and the cigar smoke suddenly comes back in like a loud bang. Everything inside beats up and I get a big error in my brain and I can't think anymore, only that this is my fault. I have killed a girl and it is my fault. I feel so bad.
I can see the edges of where her head left her torso and the blood is still running from her neck. The blood is everywhere, it's a huge chaos of blood. The head lies on the ground looking at me.It's so dirty and scary this is my fault. I have to pay for this, that's all I think.
I lie here for a long time and many thoughts go through me, while I lie there. I'm so cold and I'm getting so tired and after fighting my tiredness for a long time, I suddenly fall down on the floor. That hurt, I had fallen asleep. I fell right next to her head and look right into her face. I lie still and look, again completely out of it. Grandpa comes in and pulls me by my hair and says you're trash you're coming with me I'm throwing you out.
No grandpa, I'll be good, I'm not going to do anything wrong anymore, I tell him. But it doesn't come from the bottom of my heart, it comes as an automatism, because I don't feel anything. My body hurts completely. It has become stiff from the cold and from lying in one position and I am dirty from the blood in which I fell when I hit the ground.
I am taken to the back door and sprayed clean with the garden hose. The water is ice cold and hurts terribly. Yet it only barely gets in and I feel kind of stoned. My life has passed me by and I'm not alive anymore and still I'm here. I get a cup of hot tea in the kitchen and after a while I have to get into grandpa's car.
We don't drive very far and after a while we arrive at a parking lot and have to enter quickly through the back entrance of a building. It is a kind of church building with high windows and there are a lot of people present.
They sort of start singing and all know what to say when. I am overwhelmed by the whole thing and see so much. From the colored windows to people in crazy suits and things on the wall. Candles flickering and a woman crying. I'm not quite sure where to look when.
A woman screamed very loudly and was suddenly silent. I couldn't see very well what was happening, I was standing close to Grandpa and he held me too tightly at times that his kind of coat covered my eyes.
When everyone is leaving, the man who was always in front comes to me and grandpa. I am going to teach you something, he says. He shows grandpa that we have to walk with him to the front and there I see a woman lying with her belly open. I see intestines and a lot of blood and am amazed that it looks like rabbits, but much bigger and there is more in it. I see much more than what you see in rabbits. I am quite interested, but I keep quiet. I have to be quiet and not say anything, otherwise grandpa will be angry.
Suddenly I feel a hand grab my hair and my head and he pushes my head almost into the belly of the woman. Nice huh, he says, while I'm hanging there with my nose above it.
My nose hits something and gets dirty. He lets go of me again and I come back up. I have to take off my dress and pants and lie down with my belly on the woman's belly. Everything moves under my belly and I think it's dirty and want to get off, but I'm not allowed to. Grandpa looks at me sternly, it is time to listen, that is clear.
While I am trying not to fall off, grandpa is saying words and I feel movements on my back. The man who is with me says to me, listen girl, your name is Sabrina now. Grandpa is your boss and your dad from now on. You listen to him. You do what he tells you, always and everywhere. If you don't listen to your boss, he will come and get you, and what we are about to show you will happen. But first you'll repeat after me.
I had to repeat the words: Grandpa is my boss and he rules my soul, mind and body. I belong to him. I invite him to come into me and take me as his possession if I don't do what Grandpa wants he may come into my body and punish me, because what I write and say and do are only things he wants and not otherwise. This will remain forever in the name of the eternal ruler.
Then I said a word I'm not going to say. As soon as I said that word, I got dizzy and everything started spinning. Suddenly something hit my bottom and moved down to my belly. It hurt. I said I'm always going to be nice and listen and then it was gone.
Grandpa said I was good and brought me back home. The first assignment was not to talk about what had happened, I had only played with dolls and had a nice meal. I was allowed to make up my own story. If I shared any of this, the police would come and get me and I would go to jail forever, because I had killed the baby.
Grandpa took me to a big house. Grandpa lifts me up the stairs on his arm while a man points up. He looks like some kind of waiter in how he acts and doesn't say a word. Upstairs Grandpa knows the way because no one shows him where to go and he goes into a room and closes the door.
He puts me down on a large bed and around the bed are pillars that are connected to each other, a kind of four-poster bed of dark oak. The room is large and seems bare, but it's not. There is a large, old-fashioned high chair in the corner to the left of the large bed and the curtains of the room are closed.
Grandpa undresses me and tells me to behave. Lie still he says. I only half understand what he says and therefore I don't exactly do it, but I know I have to lie still and I can't say anything. Grandpa sounds like he does when he hurts me, only his voice is a little softer and he doesn't talk as fast all the time. Later I recognized these moments when he was tense.
A grown man stepped into the room and greeted Grandpa while looking at me. So, this is her, he began. 'Beautiful flesh, a bride? Grandpa confirmed. He says Grandpa can go now and he'll call when he's done. Grandpa refuses and they argue and all I feel is a fear. A deep intense fear inside and stay very still, because Grandpa told me to.
Suddenly it is quiet and the man says good. Grandpa is still sitting on the chair in the corner where he was already sitting and the man comes closer to me. He talks to me while he starts to touch me with his hands. His finger forces its way in and I want to cry, but hear a noise from grandpa, which instantly silences me and makes me go out.
I hear the sound of the man's belt. The sound, which I can only decipher years later, but which has become such a recognizable sound. The zipper opening and the sound of a belt hanging loose.
The man pushes his penis against me and it hurts. He does it a few more times, but can't get it done. Grandpa gives him something in his hands and sits back down. I feel a cold liquid go between my legs after which the man does it again and enters. A tearing pain cuts through my body, like a limb being ripped from a body.
Everything inside screams, everything inside screams, everything inside is broken and forever destroyed and on fire and I feel my spirit leaving my soul.
I don't remember crying as a kid. Maybe once when I fell off my bike and my knees were open. Moments when someone came right to me and comforted me and told me it was okay that it hurt, but my tears were otherwise always gone and gone. Dead.
There, on that bed, in that scary, big unknown house, with that big unknown man, with my grandfather who was just watching, I lost a piece of myself and died. That piece is still inside me and has been rotting for years. That piece has been found, has been given the name Patricia, because that's what my grandfather called me when he sold my virginity as a toddler to that man. That piece lies shivering inside in a hole, waiting for that day to come.
I am lousy and sore. Not that I realize it because all the sensations are impossible to follow but now that I'm an adult, I can fill it in. Sick and tired. Not knowing everything that happens and where I am. Aimlessly waiting for what I don't know what for.
I'm cold. I'm always kept warm in a blanket, but now I've been lying here without one for a while and I'm cold. I'm crying. I don't know why actually, but I feel bad. Suddenly I am picked up and I hear Grandpa.
We walk a bit and again I am put on something soft and I feel my clothes being pulled straight. Everything he does to my body hurts. Bruises, pain in my stomach and I want warmth. To lie against a sheet and hear a heartbeat and fall asleep.
Suddenly I feel cold liquid between my legs again and my clothes shift. It is cold. Suddenly I feel a very sharp pain in my stomach and between my legs and I hear myself screaming. I get something in my mouth which is dirty and tasty at the same time and I feel myself getting dizzy. The pain remains but is less sharp, I pass out inside when the pain is too much and don't even realize when it stopped anymore. I feel torn and destroyed. Ripped open and broken, abandoned and alone and empty.
I am turned over and my knees are raised and again there is that cold liquid and again the pain in my feet and shoulders shoots through. I want to scream, but I break down inside and stare. I am out and feel nothing.
Someone moves, something happens to my body I should be lying on something soft, but nothing is sensory anymore. I'm floating in the air without seeing anything. Dead.
When my body stops moving and something happens in the room, I am suddenly picked up and given something to drink. It is warm and sweet and I feel how everything in me returns to the place it should be. The pain is felt again and the cold is replaced by a warm blanket.
I feel someone is on my bottom and sharp stitches keep coming in unexpectedly and then it's gone. That's how tired I am, really so terribly tired. I fall asleep while we are driving in the car. I lie in my car seat and let myself get carried away with the bump of the car. I want to stay here.
I'm very young. Poppel looks. He's looking at me. I look at him. He looks sad. He sees that I am sad. I don't know what's happening. It's happening too fast. I can only look at Poppel and see that he is sad. Poppel is my brightly coloured and white bear. He has a big bag on his back and if I try hard I can make him into a ball and hide his whole body and head in his bag. Then he is a ball and sees nothing. Poppel looks, but later, when I can catch him and I am alone, I will hide him in his pocket and he will not be able to see anything anymore. Then everything will be secret and hidden again, invisible to everyone and everything.
Tearing pain is between my legs. Overloaded with things I don't know. I seem to feel but I have no idea what I feel. In an alien world, smurf land or something. Everything is unknown. And yet I see Poppel. Poppel is sad and looks at me.
I'm suffocating. My breath is sucked out. I want to breathe, but I can't. My chest is too small, what's on me is too heavy, an arm holding me still, a body pressing me flat. It can't go up. I am suffocating. Suffocated in my own inability.
I'm not dying. I'm suffocating. I'm being torn apart somewhere. And Poppel is sad. But I don't die. I gasp for breath and suddenly I can breathe again and everything seems over.
Somewhere a shadow disappears and a heavy sound. A door closes. I know that one. The door. It clenches a bit. I lie still and Poppel looks at me. Still sad. Maybe minutes, maybe hours. I keep lying there, my head turned to Poppel. I look at him and I don't know if what was just there is over. My neck hurts.
Actually, I want to move, look another way, but I don't dare. No idea what is waiting for me. Now I look at Poppel and he looks at me. Sad both. But it's OK.
I wake up, my stomach hurts. I open my eyes and see Poppel. He looks at me, it's OK. My stomach isn't, it hurts, very much so. I want to collapse on my side, but actually I want to get out of bed. I don't dare move, maybe it will all be over soon. I don't like lying here. Except when I can look at Poppel, then I'm fine. A kind of peace comes over me when I look at him.
I do have to lie on my side, collapsed, I can't hold it anymore. I have to curl my stomach, it's tearing up too much. If I move I'm afraid all the things will come back. The Shadow, the heaviness, the choking, but nothing happens, just the incredible pain in my stomach and my legs feel fair. I fall asleep looking at Poppel.
One day I knocked over my cup and grandpa went completely crazy. He pulled me by the arm and put me in the closet. The hall closet. The closet where I spent hours and days. The closet that became my safe place, even though at many times it was hell on earth. But in that closet, as long as the door was locked, there was no one. Nobody who could hurt me unexpectedly and nobody who could scare me unexpectedly or want something from me.
In this closet I was alone. I could hear the footsteps of grandparents and people passing by, even my parents once. I could hear the conversations and the moments that they went out to eat, while I was hungry. The moments that the tap ran or the toilet flushed, while I desperately needed to go to the toilet. I heard everything and I never opened my mouth. I kept quiet.
I was so used to having to do whatever Grandpa wanted. I knew that if I didn't, he would punish me very harshly. That I would regret it for days. I wanted to be Grandpa's sweet girl. I wanted the moments when he patted my head and sweetly tucked me into bed. Showing me off when we went out. I wanted him to protect me and take care of me.
In my experience, I was in complete control of his behavior, although I often felt too stupid to understand him. If I tried hard to listen to him, he was nicer. Most of the time. If I didn't listen once, my fear of dying was very real.
Anything could happen. Gang rape, being locked in the ground in a box, going with H. who was very aggressive, but also being tied to a pole outside and having to spend the night there as a little girl.
The animals walking around, the pheasants and foxes passing by, the sounds you don't know where they're coming from, maddening. Completely maddening and that was one of the worst punishments for me as a child with grandma and grandpa.
0-5 and 6-10 years. Grandpa and grandma
With grandma and grandpa, there were also relaxing moments. There were many moments in which I felt like a child, where I could enjoy the attention of grandma and the space around the farm.
With my grandmother, we used to go for a walk along meadows in the morning and if we found flowers with seeds, I would pick them out. Later on I would hide the seeds in places like the cupboard and make sure I had some spare food for when I didn't get any for hours or days. I didn't like them, but if you're really hungry, you'll eat anything.
Of course we noticed this too, so we got punished when grandma found the seeds in the closet and told grandpa about it. Grandpa was furious when he heard about it. He tied us to our bed in the bedroom and came to rape us every few hours. Every time he came he said that stingy people deserve punishment. If you ever withhold anything from grandpa, I'll kill you, he said. From that day on, every time before I went into the closet, he looked to see if there was anything there that shouldn't be there.
Grandma was also a fan of painting and sometimes we did that. One time I got an assignment. She told a story about a girl who had a name and went through many unpleasant things. She told it in such a way that I could completely identify with the girl and went along with it. I wanted so much to get rid of the annoying things and her idea to put all those annoying things away in a chest of drawers was the ideal idea that helped me.
She said I had to make a dresser in my head and I could put everything in it. She told me what it should look like and in the meantime she drew the cupboard with me in pencil on the canvas. After the story and the drawing, I could color it in with paint. This painting has hung in my room for years and has helped me to put my unpleasant events in my imaginary chest of drawers in my head.
The painting surfaced again a few years ago, and like a bolt from the blue I remembered the moment I went to paint the dresser at Grandma's. Has Grandma been my protector, so that I could store memories well and I could cope better with everything, or did she just make sure that I forgot everything, so that I could cope with more misery, also for her goals?
I'm lying in Grandma and Grandpa's bed and they're having sex and I have to watch. It's too bizarre to put good words to it. My view of them is so completely different than others to their grandparents. My grandparents I see naked in front of me, I see them enjoying contact together and I see them expressing what they want me to do by force. They are scary, I have to watch out for them and if I don't listen well enough or fast enough, they punish me and they enjoy that. They enjoy my misery and my pain.
But they also make me feel feelings that confuse me. Now you, grandpa says when he is done with grandma. Grandpa holds me while I lay on his lap and he caresses me and grandma is busy between my legs satisfying me. I want her to stop but if I struggle I will be aggressively raped that has been proven many times, so I lie still. I close my eyes and pretend I like it and after a while it is nice. After a while feelings come up that I can't place and they put me in a kind of euphoria mood and my body is acting weird. I get relaxed and grandpa laughs. I have done him a favor he gets happy when I close my eyes and when I feel like this. I decide to let this happen more often and see it as something positive, the most positive thing in this situation.
It turns out that this attitude is very often useful when men want sex. I'm getting good at it.
Cupboard grandpa and H
Grandpa was a powerful man within the group. Outside the group, together with grandma or when he was in church on Sunday morning, he was a modest, quiet man and kept himself submissive to grandma. Grandma always had a lot to say, had social contacts and took the initiative to go home or to meet someone and Grandpa could only nod in agreement or agreement.
As soon as the door closed once we were in their house, Grandpa set the whole atmosphere and what did or did not happen. Grandma became submissive and tried not to do anything wrong and Grandma and I waited to see what Grandpa wanted. Not often did I experience a normal domestic situation with them. I had often done something wrong, of which I did not know what it was and had to be punished for it. The closet in the hallway was the punishment place, if it was not a punishment with sex.
In that closet I built a whole life. I entertained myself with the beams of the stairs and with my own made-up poems. In the beginning the stairs cupboard was full. It contained food, cans, bottles full and empty, jam jars and shoe polish. Enough stuff to go on a voyage of discovery after a few times and hours of boredom to find out what it all is and when you don't get any food for days, the jars of jam are also very tempting.
Grandma quickly figured it out and told Grandpa, who completely freaked out. He pulled me out of the closet and while he was holding me, he called my mother with the announcement that I was staying another day, because we were having such a good time. It was no problem, it turned out, because after hanging up the phone, grandpa said that I could learn my lesson now.
He took me to the barn and tied me to the wall. My arms were straight up with my wrists tied to a rope and pulled me sprawling. I was almost on my toes.
I had already become very stiff of the closet, because you can only sit in 1 position, I was also very hungry and had already had an accident because I could not go to the toilet. I stank and was naked and so I hung there against the wall, standing on my toes.
Grandpa walked away and I thought I could breathe for a moment, but after a lot of noise he came back with a garden hose and sprayed me with ice cold water. The spray hurt my body and the cold was unbearable. I was used to the cold, in the closet I was also very cold, I was there for more than a day because they stood up twice in the morning and ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. I heard it all, but this cold was too painful, like sharp knives entering your body, penetrating to your intestines and beating you to death. I went out.
I didn't notice what Grandpa said and that he walked away, I may have hung there for a few hours without being aware of the time. Out. I do know in retrospect that it was a long time, that I heard someone walking, that I saw it getting dark again through the windows high in the wall, but it also eluded me at the same time.
Towards evening I heard an unfamiliar male voice and I was instantly awake and alert. Grandpa had invited his friend to play with me, at least that is what he called it.
H was a very aggressive, mean man who was very impulsive and could not be gauged in advance. For me this was one of my biggest fears. If I could choose between grandpa and H, I would choose grandpa. Grandpa was sadistic and mean and I often wanted to die because of him, but with H I lost every straw and every control and the chance that I wouldn't survive was 99% time after time for me.
H loved wild sex and strangulation. He loved seeing pain and crying out for mercy. But if you don't want to feel anything and want out so you can bear it, you are not able to respond adequately to someone's desires. So the tremendous ferocity and the desired words H wanted to hear did not go together, making it unbearable, which caused me to willingly do anything he wanted, up to and including killing others. I bore the punishment and the guilt and tried to make amends and he only smiled kindly.
I think I was about 6 years old when he took me from Grandpa's house to a barn a little further down the road. He asked me what I wanted, to listen to him and be a big girl or not. I answered that I wanted to listen to him and he smiled and put a knife in my hands.
Okay, he said, pointing around to the other men and girls there, pick just one, then I'm going to teach you how to be a big girl. Like a cloud that suddenly lifted, I knew exactly what he wanted from me. I had to choose someone and kill them, then I would score points in his eyes and get less misery from him.
I picked out a girl I didn't know and H grabbed her and pulled her into the circle. One man got a little restless, but held back when H looked at him tightly. He put her in the middle and I sat next to him and the men recited a monotonous poem. Now you may, he said when they had finished, and as if I had done it a hundred times before, I poked as if it were pudding, right into the girl's breast.
She was born for this, cried H. Years later I understood that you usually hit the rib cage and so you don't just stab someone to death, but I was right all at once. I was left alone that night, but heard over and over again how well I had sacrificed that girl.
Guilt I could not name. I was confused both in my head and in my heart. I had been so strong to do what had to be done. How clever that is. But every time I see her sitting there in the circle and the moment I point at her and see her eyes change, I feel a deep pain that goes right through my soul. The pain that makes me feel euphoric, confirmed by H, and a same pain that completely destroys me inside my soul. Making me broken and attached to the darkness.
I can't get this first time out of my mind. I'd like to scream to myself don't do it. You're gonna kill someone who doesn't want to be there like you. Who's not evil and hasn't done anything. Who needs help and not someone younger who's destroying her.
But my fear of not doing so was greater. I already had too much experience with the consequences of disobeying and chose to live my own life. It is as it is.
It's a party, grandpa says, We're in a barn at H. Two other girls and I have to take off our dress, shoes and underpants and sit on a straw bale and wait.
Meanwhile, men come in and a number of adult women. Some of them have crates of beer in their hands. They make jokes, laugh, slap my ass or stroke my head and sometimes I (almost) fall over.
Almost everyone sits down on the straw bales that are in a circle and some stand around them and then a bell sounds and everyone screams and yells.
There are 2 roosters in each corner one that act pretty wild and are very large. I have been instructed to walk past everyone and bring back everything I get. It is money and I like collecting money and get positive reactions, but they also touch my body and that is not fun. Sometimes one of them puts a finger between my legs and that hurts. Most just sit on my body or put my hand on their crotch and then give the money and then I can walk away. Sometimes 1 lifts me up and puts me on his lap, but then grandpa comes to help, that is not allowed.
I like the work when I can walk, not when I have to stand still. It is a relaxed, unforced atmosphere and everyone is cheerful. Meanwhile, the roosters are released. They are huge and when the other rooster is quiet for a moment, he sometimes wants to run to the men, until a man makes a sound and then he stops. But it is always scary when he comes to you.
One rooster sometimes falls and the other rooster attacks the other, very aggressively until the rooster gets hurt and the rooster doesn't get up. There is blood in some places in the sand and I now realize that is from the rooster. There is cheering. Someone picks up the rooster lying on the ground and shows him. The dead rooster is hanging with his head down and is dead. I feel sorry for him. He should have fought, but the other rooster was meaner, so he couldn't win. Loser someone shouts.
The winning rooster is held and put in a cage. He's loud and angry. That's how I see him, as a very angry rooster because he has to be put in the cage, because he killed the other rooster.
The other girls and I have to come and stand in the arena and the rooster is put across from us. Everyone starts cheering and laughing and they make a lot of noise. The rooster is released and runs towards us. We run to the straw bales to get out, but are stopped by the men sitting around it, so we can't get out. Their laughter is so fierce and piercing and only makes me more afraid.
I run but I am neither fast nor smart. I feel trapped in an arena with no exit. I can't get away and the rooster is very scary.
The rooster jumps on my back and I fall and feel my skin opening up, it hurts. He jumps off me again and then attacks another girl who also falls. I see him aggressively attacking her belly and very quickly she starts to bleed in all kinds of places. And she screams so loud and horrible. Her sounds penetrate deep inside, until at some point she is silent. I hear people laughing, both men and women. The sound feels so tremendously contradictory. It confuses me, making me unable to think very well.
Three men come up to the girl. One man takes the cock away and the others put her down differently. Another man grabs me by my hair and sits on my back. I was still lying on the ground, everything happened so fast, I couldn't get up yet. Everything came over me and there was no time to act. I had looked surprised at the cock and the girl.
He pushes my legs a bit apart and in the meantime I see that they are busy at the girl's place as well and are cutting off her limbs, as if they were sate sticks. It is a horrible sight. Blood spurts out and meanwhile the people who are sitting around are laughing. They laugh, shout, drink and like it. I am sure they are going to do the same to me and go on stand again.
Meanwhile, I feel that man in my buttocks raping me and I scream. It came too unexpectedly and I was so tense from what I saw, it hurts so much. At the same time something breaks inside and I don't feel anything anymore. As if my feelings and my thoughts are tearing apart from each other. I want to leave.
Grandpa and my uncles and cousins were fans of hunting. They all had a big piece of land and regularly shot the pheasants there. One evening, it was already quite dark, I had to take off my clothes and granddad took out his gun. Come on," he said, "let's go out and play.
More people had come, people I used to see at Grandpa's house, a man I had to sleep with once, and a lot of family. The girls that came were naked and all of them were not yet teenagers. No one had breasts yet and most were as tall as me, about 5 years. We had to go running through the country and grab the pheasants as fast as we could before they did, otherwise there would be accidents. I didn't really understand why, but knew enough that what was said, I just had to do that.
I was running around and suddenly gunshots rang out from the side where my family and their friends were standing. All the kids who were running around like me panicked and we started screaming. This caused more shooting and we all fell silent. We were called and told what to do. It was either shoot us or shoot the pheasants and it depended on how well we tried.
We were sent out for another run and ran like mad. Nobody died, only a few pheasants, see we had to take them ourselves.
I am in the training house and have just experienced a torture in which they had put clamps on certain body parts which put me in a state of floating. After this came electroshock and I obediently said what they wanted me to say. Codes with commands, stamps and assignments. Everything was neatly stored somewhere in the back of my head and I overflowed. I couldn't take any more and was about to break.
The clamps came off and the door opened. I thought I was done and wanted to get off the couch and walk away, but H's arm stopped me. 'Wait a minute lady, you're not done yet.
I collapsed and started crying. Something I almost never did, but I was just so tired. I couldn't take it anymore and ran over. I got a huge slap on the cheek and walked right behind him.
We went into the basement, the layer under the front door and there was a large room that was full of some kind of partitions. I was given a pill to swallow with some water. I enjoyed the water, I was so thirsty.
Run bitch, the sooner you are out, the sooner you can go home and so can I, he said. The light went on and two eyes that gave light looked at me. I heard a voice say, walk. I started to walk and apparently walked into the corridor system with the partitions and didn't know what to expect. Every once in a while somewhere some sort of lamp would turn on with eyes in it. They looked menacingly at me and made me keep walking.
Behind every corner I expected something but nothing came. No dog, no man who did anything to me, no child who hung or lay dead somewhere, nothing. I just couldn't find the exit and I got tired. I felt so stupid that I couldn't do it.
I heard a whistle. It was far away at first. I thought it was H wanting me to hurry up and speed up, but I couldn't find the exit. The yell became louder and more insistent and more eye lights came on in turn and I became more scared and more hunted. The combination of being lost, expecting retribution for being so bad, and the whistling and the eyes what I couldn't quite figure out and getting closer, made me paranoid and after a while I ended up in a huge death panic. I couldn't take it anymore.
At the moment that I completely broke down, a dog came running towards me and tried to climb me. Exactly at the moment that the dog succeeded, H arrived and said shall I save you then? The light went on while he was with me. He took the dog from me, lifted me up and took me with him out of the maze. As if there was only one door left to open, so bizarre.
I did everything for H. My great savior in great need after this.
Forest and training house
Grandpa says I should come with you. We drive off in the car and drive for a long time. Go to sleep, he says, so you can stay awake later. Need you.
I wake up when we drive onto a bumpy path and he stops the car where there are many trees. We are going to play a game he says and I walk along, following him out of the car into the forest. I have never been here before and suddenly we stop at a dense place with a tree with chains on it and grandpa says I must stand there and takes a picture.
Then he walks up to me and says the game is about to start. He ties me to the tree on one wrist and the key he puts 2 meters away. If you can get the key, you can run and we will eat. If you can't, you will get punishment.
I don't like the game anymore, but don't realize what the hours will bring. Grandpa takes another picture and walks away. Pretty soon I get cold and it takes a very long time before I realize that I am alone, tied to a tree and alone in a forest. The sounds are enormous. Every leaf, every bird, every movement of nature is like a horror moment in a bad movie.
Every minute feels like hours, I want to leave, but I'm stuck. Again and again I think about what I could do. Thoughts pass by and the conclusions tell me over and over again that there is no way I can go. That I am stuck here and have no choice but to wait.
I am cold, have to go to the toilet and my stomach is growling. My legs can't hold me any more and with my arm tied up I can just about sit down on a root of the tree. But there are ants and other animals walking around and I find it tickling on my bare legs, I quickly get up again. Those few minutes of sitting were enough,
But of course I can't keep it up and at some point I have to sit again until I can't take it anymore and soon stand up again.
Every sound, every movement of the leaves I see and it scares me. The wind does strange things in nature and the animals have completely their own life in such a piece of forest and they don't care if I'm there or not, they continue. They don't notice that I'm standing here, having a hard time. Their lives go on like any other day. I am amazed at the habit with which they move. My legs hurt from standing for so long and the wind is so cold.
Suddenly I hear a car approaching in the distance, getting closer and closer and I become happy inside. Grandpa comes to get me again, the game is over. So punishment then, that doesn't matter, I want to leave here.
I hear the car pull out and the door slam shut. Footsteps approach, I hear the twigs break under the feet of the person who is approaching and my enthusiasm increases and then I see that it is someone else. Not grandpa.
I don't know who he is, but maybe he'll help me and I smile very cautiously. I'm embarrassed of my bare body, alone on a tree and I'm afraid he thinks I'm weird and I quickly think of what I could say to apologize for standing here. Sorry sir, I lost the key when I was playing here. Would you like to grab the key? I would then point to where it was and he would give the key to me and I could run.
Or is this guy coming to take advantage of an almost naked girl, that's what it feels like when you have no underpants on, standing here with no place to go? Maybe he wants to kill me and Grandpa isn't coming to protect me because I'm alone with him. I don't know and before I can think of a 3rd possibility, he starts talking.
"Hey, sweet thing," he says, "can't you find the key? Shall I get it for you? I nod very hard yes and am so happy that he is there. I get all happy inside and am so relieved. A big sigh of relaxation goes through my body and for a moment I feel saved.
I'll get it for you, but first I want to fuck you good okay, he says. I get scared, but I want to get out of here and let everything happen. Smile at me, he says, and I do. It all happens so fast and I still think he is going to help me.
I'm thinking about that key. I mustn't forget that he's going to get that key for me. Think of the key. I try to focus all my thoughts on the moment when he closes his pants.
He closes his pants and says you're good, I like to come again. I feel empty and alone and dirty. And then he walks away....
I scream inside very loudly, that key. Give me the key. You fucked me for the key, remember? But instead of screaming, from the depths of my soul, I gather all my courage and try to take my only chance. But do you want to give me that key, I ask very carefully and he answers with a hard laugh and says, no, you're too good, I'll come back first.
The earth is swept away beneath my feet and my energy completely ebbs away in a second from the top of my head to the soles of my feet, into the depths. Empty.
He disappears from sight and I feel all hope fading away. I don't want to anymore. I collapse under the tree with my arm in the air. I'm dirty, everything hurts, but it all feels like unimportant. My body is starting to hurt more and more and I still have to go to the bathroom. I have no energy left to do my best to hold on to hope for a better day and I piss myself and hang on to the tree by my arm. The pain is nice, I need it and pull my arm hard a few times. I do it so often that I see it start to bleed. Only then I stop. The pain subsides. It feels like a comfort. The pain becomes my friend and my pillar of strength.
I look at the critters running over me and over the tree and over the leaves and it doesn't do anything to me. I'm empty. Normally I find them scary. They tickle too much and I am afraid they will bite. Now it escapes me as I look at it. I look at them and time stands still. They stay busy and do their thing and I watch them but am not there. I marvel that they can walk upside down while they search my leg, probably looking for food. For a moment I'm afraid they want to crawl inside my body, but a second later that fear has disappeared and I don't care anymore.
Night is falling. It's getting colder and quieter and the wind and leaves are making more noise. I so hope that a car will come and take me away. It doesn't matter where to, it doesn't matter who, as long as I can get away. The night lasts so long and sometimes I fall asleep and suddenly I am startled awake again. It is scary in the woods.
When it gets a little light again, Uncle 2 and another man come by. I hadn't heard the car, I was too tired I guess. I heard them talking and then woke up. Finally they are here, finally I can get out of here. With each step closer I feel myself getting more hopeful. I want to leave so badly.
They brought a bag and a bucket. What are you dirty they said. You were supposed to get the key and run away, where were you? I said I couldn't reach it, but that was immediately dismissed and while I thought about what was happening now he said I could certainly reach it but that I didn't do my best. I believed him without hesitation.
I had to take off my dress, shoes and socks, got a bucket of water, dried off and put on a new dress. No shoes, socks or underpants, just a dress, but I didn't care. Maybe I could come along. I was going to do my very best.
I was thrown a bag and a bottle of water and they said when you're done eating, go get that key. I was very hungry and started eating right away. It was a sandwich with something I normally don't like, but I realized that later. Before I finished it, I realized that they were gone again. The hope was gone again. Gone. How could I miss that?
I really tried to get the key, but it was too far away. I felt stupid, a failure and I could not do anything. What I tried, nothing helped. I tried to act weird with my eyes, who knows I could do magic and make the ants think they had to come this way with the key. I tried using twigs to make the key move. I tried everything, but nothing helped.
There was another car coming and I heard men talking. It wasn't just one of them, there were at least two of them. They sounded like walkers, relaxed, nonchalant and oblivious.
The men came running and one man came up to me and just like the previous man wanted sex in exchange for the key and again I kicked in, who knows he might do it. Maybe this man was different and did promise what he said. First sex, then you get the key.
While he was working on my body, I realized I had stepped in it. He was doing the exact same thing. The penny didn't arrive until later, but the actions of the previous time were just repeated again. The other man was filming everything. It wasn't until the moment my quarter dropped that I looked at him and only realized he was doing that. I felt dirty. I looked at him, I looked at him very blankly into the camera, while the other man was busy. I felt nothing. All my nerves were shut down. Nothing would tell me if something was good or bad, I wasn't alive.
They also left with a smiling comment that they are not giving the key yet, because they are not crazy. The message hardly arrived and the hope was almost gone anyway. I didn't think about the future or the past, everything was gone and I just stood there. Staring into the distance, hoping for sounds and feelings that no longer existed, hoping for hope that was barely there.
When it got dark, but it was still dim, I couldn't take it anymore. I was finished, empty, wanted to die. They could do what they wanted with me, I didn't care. I was hungry, thirsty and had already peed myself under again and felt like a weed. Time to get kicked out. Done with everything.
I was half asleep, or at least not fully conscious, when I heard several people. I didn't realize I might have to look up and wake up properly, and it sort of passed me by. Like I was half dreaming, or not in this place, but hearing things in the distance. It was like not mine.
Someone pulled my hair and my hand detached from the tree. It didn't even feel like a relief and the realization that I was free of the tree wasn't there yet. I was lying on the ground and someone was having sex with me and another was spraying filth all over my face.
Another one did me on hands and knees and the other 2 I don't remember. Something in my mouth and at the same time from below, but I was out. I wasn't there anymore, I didn't see it, I was out.
Later they were suddenly gone. I didn't even realize it and suddenly I was lying there again attached to that chain with my arm, well my other arm. But again alone in the dark and the animals walked all over me. But I didn't care. I think I was dead. Dead inside and I hadn't felt any hope this time either. Everything was broken and broken and I didn't notice until days later that I was full of bruises and had bled. I didn't feel it.
Morning came and again Uncle 2 and another person came with a bucket and a backpack, but it didn't do anything to me. I didn't even stand up anymore. I had no hope left, they could leave me here. They were worried about me, I heard that, but even that gave no reflexes inside. They washed me I think, fed me and Uncle 2 held me for a moment, he was warm. The warmth felt very nice to my body for a moment, but to my soul it did nothing. It could have been just as well a scary monster or my own mother, that would have felt the same.
I kept falling asleep, and at one point the sun came through the trees and I felt a little warmth. I became a little more awake and alert and the same man as the first time came by again. Hey sweet thing, he said. You fucked so good, I wanted to fuck you again.
With him I had hope for the key the first time and that hope came back a little bit, but I also realized that I couldn't run and walk anymore, I was too tired. I wanted to be loose but I would stay down. But the idea of being loose was enough to make me feel a little better.
He was doing his thing again. I was very dirty. But he gave me a kiss on my forehead and said, you're almost done nice thing, just hold on. Those words gave me a little hope. I do not know why, but it made something awake in me and gave me a little energy.
After this I'm alone for quite a while, but I don't know how long. Suddenly granddad is there. He says he's going to take me with him, because I can't learn magic. He is disappointed and says that we will do it differently. His words pass me by. He lifts me up and carries me to his car, which is a bit further on. He puts me in the trunk.
I couldn't walk anymore, but I didn't want to leave either. I didn't want to stay there either, but I had no will left. It was all gone. Broken and robbed never to return.
In the car I had to lie on the rug. Grandpa said I was a pig. How could I be so dirty. Go to sleep he says, because we haven't finished yet. You have to learn. I wanted to sleep so badly, but I am too tired to sleep. I want to rest. Dead, but I can't. I'm too exhausted to do anything. I stare ahead, not seeing what my eyes see.
Grandpa drives and the lampposts flash by. Flashes of the lights, my hold on things. They give me stimuli and teach me that I'm still alive. It feels sharp in my head, moving so fast and giving so much impetus over and over again.
But I still fall asleep. Everything hurts and I am so tired. I wake up on the gravel path where grandpa is driving and I don't see lampposts anymore, but trees. We stop at a house with lots of vegetation around it.
Grandpa lifts me out of the car, I am too weak and too tired. Inside I am put in a bed and get something in my arm. The next moment I wake up and have to come with him. I feel a bit better, although everything feels blue. My legs feel like porridge and my stomach hurts. I am nauseous from the pain, but I am aware of the warmth that my body has found again.
We walk into a room that is one floor below where I apparently slept. Grandpa points to a little boy lying on a bench with his head stuck in a clamp. A kind of vice. Grandpa says that this boy didn't listen to Grandpa. Grandpa wasn't allowed to live with him. That's why he's being punished and I have to pay attention. This is what happens when you forget that you belong to me.
Grandpa grabs my hand and takes me to the back of the sofa and puts my hand on the crank. Turn it, he says. I don't know what happens, but I hear the boy screaming, horrible screaming and a loud crack I hear when grandpa puts his hand on my hand and helps to turn the crank. And I see the boy's head move to the right and the screaming has stopped.
Look says Grandpa, as we walk to the side. His head is broken now, because he didn't listen to me. You turned. Shall we see if you'll listen to me? I shake no, I do not want.
I have to cut the boy open and Grandpa says what I see and how beautiful it is. We get to the sternum and he breaks it up and I see the lungs and he cuts it open for the heart and then he says here, that's your life, Show me you want to live, eat.
He pushes my head and I proceed to bend down and try to take a bite of that heart, but I can't get anything off, it's tough. Grandpa has to laugh. Good. It's not easy to get life. He cuts a piece off and gives it to me and I eat.
Someone get the boy out of the screw and off the couch. I only now noticed that someone else had joined them in the room. I have to lie down on the couch as well but find the sight of blood on the couch too disgusting and recoil. Grandpa makes a remark. I don't have any energy left to fight it, in one blow all my newly acquired energy is completely wiped out. I am kind of meek and empty and lay down. Wondering how it feels when your head is cracking like that and afraid of the pain, because I keep hearing that screaming.
The clamp goes on my head, it hurts. Grandpa apparently turns a little, because I feel my head go with the thing and I can't stop it. I completely panic. I suddenly have energy for 10 again and fight.I scream that I will never leave Grandpa and that he can always be in my head. I don't know where these words come from, but I suddenly realize that I am a very bad girl and I need Grandpa to save me. Only he can save me,
Grandpa stands in front of me and says, you listen to me. From now on it's no more doing fun things, we're going to work. You still have to learn a lot and we don't have much time. I try to nod, but I can't do that either. Grandpa says he wants to live inside me and he asks if I will let him come inside me. I don't understand, but feel how the willingness to understand grows.
He says he is looking for a place in me where he always wants to stay, so I always have help from him. Meanwhile he pushes my knees up and my legs apart. I can't see anything because my head is stuck and I can only look up.
I felt a very sharp pain in one place and I screamed. So my teeth are in it, now you never forget these words and now I want to go inside. Will you let me in? I say yes and I'm afraid the pain will come again. I feel that they are holding everything open down there and something is going inside and it moves. It feels very strange and scary and they push but it hurts and after a few times I feel a very sharp pain that goes right through my belly. Repeat after me, grandpa says:
My ruler are you, great almighty, forever connected to the night/ Forever your serving is my strength/ Break for me the weak night, I keep you.
At that moment my head comes loose from the clamp and I am helped upright by someone and at that moment I see grandpa pulling a tube out of my buttocks and he gives it to the other man who is also there. I get very nauseous, I start to sweat and I knock myself out.
Grandpa cuts off the head of the snake and goes between my legs with the back of it. I will tie your hands he says, otherwise you can't enjoy. He leaves the snake between my legs, walks to my head and ties my arms.
He walks back and puts that hose in and out and a vibrator comes out. It's way too much, there's a huge panic inside me, but I can't move. I flip. The next moment an orgasm comes and I'm embarrassed all the colours of the rainbow. I am completely distraught and feel so bad for the feeling that was there for a moment.
The next moment I wake up with a drip in my arm. I get something to drink and to eat and a lady takes care of me. It seems like nothing has happened. There is a bed and a sink and a toilet and she asks me very sweet how I am doing. I don't know what to say and start a sentence I haven't formulated yet and stutter.
Then Grandpa comes in and says he wants to see if Part Sil can do magic yet. She couldn't do it in the forest, but now that Grandpa is living inside her, I'm sure she can, he says. I feel something in myself become alert and react. The woman removes the IV from my arm and straightens me up and helps me out of bed.
I have to walk with you to another room. We walk through the corridor and we come to a door of a room. Grandpa opens the door and inside it is completely dark.
Grandpa shines a flashlight into the room and shows that there is an arm lying in a corner of the room and he tells that a little boy has fallen into pieces. Part Sil must conjure him back together again, he says, shining into the room with the lamp and showing that there are more parts in the room. So look for all the parts, he says. He pushes me into the room and locks the door.
Feeling the space while seeing nothing is intimidating. I am startled by the darkness. That it can look so dark feels like a new experience, but that's probably because I'm becoming aware of the parts of the little boy that are in the room.
Suddenly I remember the assignment Grandpa gave me. I have to make it whole again, at least put it together and make it complete. I can do that, I think as I recall what I saw when Grandpa shone the torch into the room.
I think of the first image of the leg I saw and crawl to that part of the room. I feel over the ground and feel this piece of limb and take it to another place I the room, looking for the next part. I find 1 by 1 parts. A foot, a hand, an arm, but I can't find the head. I go around the room several times and always end up with the collected pieces. I don't understand it and go via the other side to try again and try the middle, but nowhere I find the head. I remain seated with the found pieces and the silence and darkness creep up on me. What now? What if I can't do it properly again? What if grandpa finds out later that I'm still so bad that I can't finish a task?
After what feels like a long time, I hear noises in the corridor and the door is unlocked. Grandpa enters and gets angry. You can't do anything right, he says. I am pulled out of the room by my hair and I get punished.
I am put in a room full of pots on the wall that have eyes in them. Hundreds of eyes look at me while I stand in the room. The lamp goes off, the door closes and a sort of light bar behind the pots with eyes moves the light around the room. It is a very scary sight and it feels like they are all out to get me and accuse me. They all think I'm as bad as Grandpa and they're going to do something to me. But I don't realize that they are just eyes in jars, eyes that can't do anything to me and eyes that have probably seen and experienced enough suffering themselves.
I sit there in that room. Days go by and the days last so long. After a very long time, I get a visit. A woman, whose name I don't know. I have to recite spells and make promises.
Nina is a little older than me and when we were with a couple of guys and we had to entertain them, she took it upon herself to do so when someone suddenly caught me while I was busy with someone else. She saw that I wasn't up to it and started to take the guy from me with a lot of charm and abandon. I was so incredibly happy with her. I would not have been able to cope if she had not helped me.
As I walked back to the car I ran into her and said thank you softly. I didn't think anyone would hear that, but she did look startled and nodded no. I did not understand her. I didn't understand her then, but I do now.
On another day we were at a forest house where we each let ourselves be used by a man. We had been there before. But that time we ignored each other and because of the huge distance in spirit, this experience only felt heavier. It made sure that when we were done, Part Ilze left and another part took over completely. There was disappointment deep inside and I wanted to ignore her forever, because it only hurt.
The men left and Uncle 2 and Uncle 3 came back in. They had also brought me and Nina had been brought by someone else. He wasn't there.
We had to walk with them and we did so obediently. As always.
Outside was a well, made of stone masonry and around it was an open field and around it trees. It was a secluded spot in the woods.
Nina had to go down into the pit and she did so obediently as well. I watched her descend from the ladder they had put in and waited for my order. I thought I had to as well. I could tell that the water that was in the well felt cold to Nina and when she was forced down the stairs, she sank completely underwater. She quickly resurfaced, but it was obvious it was deep. The ladder was taken out and I was shocked, because now what? Don't I have to?
Well, get her out with your brown eyes... said Uncle 1 as he looked at me. As if I could conjure her out in a second. She's your girlfriend, you guys help each other out, right? Well go on then, make those brown peepers work and get her out.
I knew what brown eyes meant, because I heard that term very often. My eyes were something that intrigued a lot of people. It made me feel bad because most men who hurt me started talking about my brown eyes, blonde hair and long eyelashes.
Uncle 2 and Uncle 3 walked away and I stood there alone at the edge of the well and looked down. Nina, how am I supposed to get you out, they took the stairs, I yell at her.
She looks at me with empty eyes and shivers from the cold. You can take me out Ilze, she says. She knows me as Ilze and doesn't know I'm not, but I feel completely addressed.
I don't know how. I can't do anything.
It's getting darker and darker and I'm starting to have a hard time seeing Nina properly. Her face is less and less clearly recognizable when it comes to emotions and sometimes she can't keep up and goes underwater.
In between, Uncle 3 came to check on me 2 more times and only gave me the comment 'you can't do anything' and then walked away.
I'm afraid to say anything. Weakling, I guess. You can't do anything either.
Once it gets dark, the sounds she makes get stronger. Sometimes I suddenly hear the water splashing and a few seconds later her gasping for breath. I say softly Nina, I don't know what to do. You have to help me. The moment I say that I don't realize that that must have been a rotten sentence. I couldn't think anymore and knew it was just a matter of time and I had to wait for one of my uncles. I sat there by the well, looking into the darkness and sometimes sitting with my back against the wall. Then when the water splashed up again, and I heard Nina floundering, I jumped up again and tried to help her with my eyes with something I had to have in me, I just didn't know what.
I heard her go under the water and suddenly it was quiet. It was different from the other times and I slowly turned around. I felt my eyes getting big and looked very carefully into the depths, as if I could see everything, but it was still a dark hole and nothing was happening. At any moment I expected the lapping of water and a deep breath, but it remained silent. Dead silent.
Nina, I said softly. Nina, where are you, say something. It remained silent. It took a very long time for me to realize that Nina wouldn't say anything and wouldn't gasp. A long time.
When the penny dropped a little, I sat staring ahead of me against the wall of the well and looked into the darkness of the forest. At the side I saw the light on in the cottage and heard rustling of leaves. But all impressions were unimpressive. Empty. My world stood still. Waiting for it to pass. I stared and stared and the night passed.
It was getting dusk and I heard my uncles approaching, but the realization didn't sink in. They stood in front of me and said, "Where's Nina now? You were supposed to get her out. "Bitch, you let her drown? "You're useless, you, worthless bitch. And I got a hard slap in the face. "I can't do anything" was the phrase that kept repeating itself.
I was taken inside. They lifted me up, because I didn't react I think, and gave me something to drink. It was strong and dirty, but I was thirsty too and drank it.
I got a syringe in my arm. It didn't even feel like a prick, but less than 2 seconds later I was wide awake. The world seemed to open up completely and my eyes felt like the light came on. It felt wonderful, but also a lot.
That's better. I nodded.
I got a slice of dry bread pressed into my hands and the glass of booze taken out of my hands. I almost got angry and had less control over my emotions. That didn't feel nice, because I was still very aware that I had to behave, but it also made me feel a lot less. Less anxiety.
Well bitch, you go to the bathroom and do your thing and in 10 minutes we'll go again.
I became happy, I could go home. I quickly washed myself and finally went to the toilet and put on my dress that was hanging there and walked out of the bathroom smoothly.
The world was spinning a bit, but I didn't really care. I was finally allowed to leave, it was done.
We walked outside and we walked towards the well instead of the car and I felt sick to my stomach. I didn't want to go to the well, I wanted to go to the car. At the well I saw Nina lying there. I broke inside, something broke and my feelings went away. Uncle 3 was lighting candles around her body. Then Uncle 1 said it was my fault she was dead. I had to make sure I was clean again and try harder next time. I nodded. I really only realized now that she was dead and it was my fault. I felt so guilty.
Uncle 1 had a knife in his hands and said that by eating the bread and drinking the wine, I could become free of this guilt again and thus become stronger. I went along with their thinking and wanted to become free and start over, whatever that meant.
I had to kneel by her body and Uncle 1 put the knife in my hands. Together we cut her open and he himself opened the chest. Look, there is your bread he said. Only that will make sure you won't be caught by our mighty ruler and you will get another chance to do good here on earth, Take it out.
I already knew how to do it and did my best. I needed some help, but I had her heart in my hands a few minutes later. Now eat. And give us some too, he said. I took a bite, horrified by the taste and tried to bite through what was almost impossible. I felt dirty, so dirty looking at her face. Empty and dead, she was at peace. I was free and would do a hundred times better next time. I feel a short circuit in my head and a kind of huge willingness that I can do it next time. This will never happen again. I promise myself that and I'm going to stick to it.
Punishment, I'm punished. Everyone is looking at me. I feel very bad, even though I don't know I did wrong, but usually afterwards I hear it and I am convinced that I am really bad and it is really my fault. The way everyone looks at me is terrible and it hurts my back. I can't feel worse than this, I deserve it. I deserve the punishment and willingly walk with them to the cross.
The cross of sin is there to make me clean again. Only there can I begin again and only after the cross can I belong and participate again. I want it, because then I am clean again and only then I have a chance to live again. These are not my exact thoughts, but they are my feelings that I can now put into words.
I lie down on the large wooden cross, at the front of the room and I get tied up. My ankles are tied and so are my wrists. I get a belt around my waist and down my throat and then J. starts his sermon. How bad I am and how I can get clean. That this is the only way to forgive and start over and he is glad I am saved and given this opportunity.
The blood of the boy who has just been sacrificed is sprinkled over me with a whole string of words. It comes to me, but I can't remember it. I feel even worse. Even now with my rescue, I still can't get it right. I need more punishment. I'm asking for more punishment. I have to, I know, but that's how I feel. It's the only way.
J nods yes. He accepts my words and wants to give me more punishment for my rescue and the cross gets spun around like crazy. I get dizzy and spinny, but feel kind of glorified. When I stop spinning by myself, J asks if I really want to be saved and I nod yes. He puts his clothes up and rapes me. Silently, alone with my life, I save you, only because the high priest wants me to.
I'm letting it happen. It doesn't feel like a v, but like salvation. Like the best thing that could happen to me.
I know it's going to get worse and am happy when he's willing to leave it at that, but sometimes not. Sometimes I'm so bad that it takes a lot more than that. Those are the worst sins and that includes the worst punishments. I let it happen because I have to, but I can't do it myself. I realize that very well. I go out then.
J makes a hand gesture and the group makes noise. I can already hear it in them, that today is a bad punishment and my body is already protesting. My body is getting ready for mine and I get out. I watch, from the high candlestick I watch, feeling nothing, without empathy, I see what happens.
The object has a special name Teshup. It's the Lord who saves. It's a severed penis from a bull. Hard and thick and long. Especially that last one.
They are humming, the group. I hear them humming and I feel a part of me getting absorbed in the song and joining in and at the same time a deep sharp pain goes through my body. It goes so far into my body that it feels like I'm tearing apart and I'm tearing apart, but I can't do anything about it, I'm stuck. I want to leave, I want to scream, but I'm not allowed to. You have to endure your punishment, otherwise you will be sacrificed anyway, but then on the fire and nobody wants that.
I feel myself being taken over completely by a very strong part of me. Like a bull so strong, it can handle anything, nothing is impossible. For a moment I feel powerful and big, consumed by pain, but my punishment is almost finished.
When he's done with the teshup I barely realize it. At one point I hear people leaving and talking and a girl crying, but I'm absent-minded, I hear it, but it doesn't come in.
Grandpa takes me off the crotch while I'm just spinning around. I miss a piece, I had fallen asleep and am still so tired. I may go home and tomorrow I will start again and I will try very hard. I promise you that.
Grandpa's proud of me again.
I'm getting a bandage in for the bleeding. I'm broken. I know I'm going to remember what happened very well over the next few days, I'll have fun with this for a long time. I'm learning....
One time we drive to the training house. I'm not very much older than I was in the memory above, but I don't know how much time was in between.
H is there and welcomes me and we go to the medical room. The room with the gyno chair, the instruments and the medicines. The syringes that make me feel weird.
I panicked inside but knew I couldn't leave so I kept a low profile, but inside everything escalated inside me.
I undressed nicely and lay down on the chair. I let them tie me up, as if I had already had it done 100 times, but inside I had just given up. I saw the room and died inside and the pain underneath didn't have to be made anymore, it was already there. Everything was there in fullness, just out of the blue.
H walked out of the room and came back with Mister S. Mister S said nothing, just looked and took his stuff. He cleaned my arm and injected something in it with the syringe he had prepared. I became dizzy and let it happen. I couldn't resist anyway.
I heard them talking together, but don't know what about. And when the worst of the dizziness and spinning was over and I felt relaxation, they came closer. Colors, sounds, and movements became different, but I could follow, though it took me effort.
My legs were apart and I felt something being put inside them. The sound of a rattle of iron and meanwhile I felt the pressure increase. As if I was tearing apart.
I started making noise and got punched in the face.
Bitch, you gotta watch out ya hear me. You gonna learn right now or I'm gonna rip you open, just like on the crotch, remember?
I was immediately more alert and mega sharp and felt the pain that was there then. At that same moment they pushed a hard big thing in which doubled the pain. The sinner doesn't know the way and gets lost. They said, and they walked away.
The pain ripped and only got more intense and I couldn't take it anymore. Not much later they came back and said and, what's the answer?
I couldn't remember. It was somewhere close, but I couldn't focus and the person who was supposed to help me focus couldn't come because of the pain.
The rattling sound was there again and the sting of tearing out became even bigger. The thing that was in it went out and was pushed back in hard and again they said the phrase. The sinner does not know the way and gets lost. I immediately switched gears and said the sentence out loud. He laughed and walked away again.
It took a long time. A long time and everything went numb.
When they came back, I was a robot who immediately said what they wanted to hear, after they asked the question.
Good, said Mr. S.
The rattle had a different sound now and my bottom relaxed slightly. The big thing was taken out and I felt so sore and achy. The clamp wasn't gone, but this was already so much better and so much nicer, I could have kept this up for hours.
For 1 sinner 2 impure, to prepare. You start with a test then reset.
I knew right away that I had to remember that, but that was not going to work right away. I had already missed half of it and it had to be right with every word. I could half-reproduce, but it would be wrong.
They went away and I tried to remember, but time passed before I remembered again. The ratchet was tightened again, the clamp was tight and the object was pushed out and in. The jolts through my stomach were too much and I went out. I heard the sentence in the distance, but I was too late not to feel it. Out of luck.
It took a very long time, but I had already given up trying to remember. It was hopeless. Again the ratchet was tightened and the object was taken out. With the clamp on, Mr. S. raped me on the other side because it was extra painful. He said the sentence one more time and walked away. I wasn't in my body anymore. Again. I hid in the room and looked at myself. I was ashamed of my bad behavior and how I looked. I would do my very best from now on and do everything I had to, whether I died or not.
He came back after a long time and I remembered the sentence. The clamp went smaller and the thing went back in and again they walked away, but now without saying the sentence.
I got confused. Now what?
After a very long time they came back and he said: and?
I said the exact same sentence as guess. I should have been able to say something else too, I wasn't sure, but it was good. The clamp came off and the thing went out and I was untied.
Listen, he said. Your job is to take people with you, every time one dies, you take care of new ones. Listen to A, she'll teach you. If you don't listen, come back here and we'll make it a step worse, ok. The water basin is still there. And he pointed to the basin where I can be held under water and cannot come up when he puts the blade on it. I didn't know much about that, but my motivator was very high.
I had learned, I had come out, loosened up and had done well and would do very well from now on. I would be obedient and pay attention and go to A tomorrow.
I had to get back on the chair, said Mister S as he looked at the floor. There was blood on the floor.
To my surprise I was not tied up, but was afraid that everything would start all over again. He grabbed a lamp and again the clamp. I sank to the floor. Again? But he looked inside, said I was broken and he would fix it and was kind to me.
I barely felt it, everything was so sore and painful, that every bit of other pain was just fine. Sharp stabs went through my stomach and I enjoyed it.
I had to get dressed and walked out the door with pads again.
I was given pills to take before dinner and call Uncle 2 if I can't poop. I had only said okay and walked out of the room after him.
Grandpa just came walking in. He was wet from the rain, his coat had caught many drops of water. He smelled of pain.
He patted me on the head and walked with Mr. S. He made me stand on the spot where he patted me on the head. I knew I had to stand there. I don't know why, but I just did.
Special occasions with acquaintances
I have to go with grandpa in the car. We drive to another farm and my girlfriend gets in too. A few days ago we were in Uncle 2's barn with men and cameras. I'm afraid something like this is going to happen again but somewhere else.
Grandpa sits in the front and after a while we stop at a bridge. We have to get out in a hurry and climb into another car. We drive right away and I see grandpa driving in the other direction with his car. I want to scream grandpa don't go away but I stay silent.
A man with a bald head is driving the car and after a while we have to change trains again at a construction site. This is another man we don't know yet.
We stop somewhere at a house with a lamppost in the garden and trees everywhere.
He looks at my girlfriend and me and tells us to behave and gets out. I follow him and hold her hand, but at the door I let go. As if it is instinct.
We don't have to wait at the door, we were already spotted and a serious young man opens the door. We go inside and the man who brought us leaves again.
We get a piece of candy and they laugh. 2 men. The other 2 men are now outside.
Let's see what is hidden under those dresses, says a man. I start to take off my dress and my girlfriend does the same. I know what is expected on moments like this and when they say these things and I shoot in my role.
You must like a lollipop, says the same man, and he makes me come to him. I have to satisfy him with my mouth and gag over and over again.
Meanwhile, the other guy is less calm to my friend and I see him slap her. I want to help her but I can't. For a moment I put out my arm, maybe I can calm him down with petting, but I can't reach it.
Suddenly he pushes me away and stands up. Hey Y he says we are going hunting are you coming?
We have to come with them, naked between them. It's dark in there, the lantern gives a little light. I don't know what they want but I feel cold right away. Now run sluts says Y it is time that I get fucked. Wait a minute Y says the other one, they are little girls they are scared.
I put my hopes in him, the other is unpredictable.
The man explains that we should run as fast as we can to that tree and points to it. If we are fast enough he will not shoot us.
I run with all my might. I know the game from another time with grandpa. I run very fast and hear a shot, I was still fast enough. When I reach the tree I look back, my girlfriend is there too, they missed and we made it. Come on call the man and we run back. I am tired but somewhere I know I have to pay attention.
Well, I was early, you were late, he says. He had shot before we reached the tree. We were too late.
We are going to do it again he says alternately. You go first he says to my girlfriend. He chooses a tree that is further away and I have to stay with him. She runs with all her might and with the gun he sits next to me, puts it on my shoulder and tells me what to do. He takes my hand and together we pull the trigger. I shot her. It was a hit she fell right after the bang of the gun that hurt my shoulder. Bullseye says Y,
Now you, Y says to me and I am so scared. No sucker says the other one we can't fuck anymore and he pushes me into his arms. The man I shot her with goes to get her. She is limp and while he takes her over his shoulder I hope to see that she is still alive. A movement or a sound, but I see nothing.
We go in and she is laid on the couch and then I see her belly moving from breathing. She is not just breathing but she is still alive I am sure. Hey X that one is for me says Y as he points at her. He rapes her and the other man me. He says things to me but I hardly understand what he says and I am sure I will have to run again and I think that shooting hurts very much because you start breathing funny.
When he's done with me Y wants to have sex with me too. He starts to rage and after a while the other guy shouts that he shouldn't kill me, she will be picked up soon.
He stops and tells me to wash and points to a door. I go to it. I'm bleeding and dirty and everything hurts but I wash as I should and walk back to them.
A little later there is a knock on the door and I am pushed to the door. Next time I will fuck you to death Y says and starts laughing.
In the car I stare ahead. I don't want to go back alone, she has to come with me. Where's my girlfriend?
I can't seem to puzzle out and realize what happened and I get lost in the flickering lampposts that flash by while driving on the highway. I sink into the pain of my lower body and stand up.
There were parties with important people. Parties where I was expected to turn everyone on and drive them crazy with my little 6, 7 or 8 year old body.
Parties where I got sips from their glasses of cognac and gin and parties where I was portrayed as a circus act while the business talks about dealing with social and legal issues.
Sometimes I would disappear under the table. Pants down, zipper open and in my head the thought of a lollipop. Grandpa said it was a lollipop and I started to believe it. That it was warm, big and dirty and often smelled of urine came as a surprise every time. Sometimes, when they were fed up with me I got a push and a kick after and was called to another.
I always did what I was told,
The language was not Dutch. They all spoke English, I know now, but back then it was pretty abracadabra. If I had to go with someone to a room, he spoke his own language. Over the years I learned some words in German, English, French and Spanish, and Italian and Hungarian also came along. Some languages I haven't been able to figure out, but sometimes when I hear a foreign language, it sends shivers down my spine.
Sometimes I was a maid, sitting on my knees under the table, licking from the lollipops I had made up and sometimes I was the little whore who faithfully walked to a room to be pampered by someone who needed to get rid of his need.
Sometimes I was allowed to eat or sleep with my fellow species, but there was always a guard.
As soon as we talked to each other, we were taken apart. We weren't allowed to eat and you were tied up in a room, waiting for them to need you again.
Usually 2 days went by, and on the last night was the party.
Well, they called it a party. For us it was hell. Sometimes you could think that it was almost finished and we had to go home, because at home it became really difficult. People around me asked questions like, why weren't you at school and what is going on. Why are you so tired and what have you done these days, I could not reach you. The questions were so difficult.
But now it was time for survival. Now it was time to make sure that you survived this night and were able to go home, because we all knew that one of us was not going to go home. Always at these gatherings where people spoke a different language, one of us girls always died.
I always wanted to fight to get back home. I wasn't ready to die yet, because I knew what would happen when you were made dead.
Your death was very painful and your body was used as a tool and the others had to enjoy your filth, without wanting it. You'd better do it than lie there. That was always my belief.
The sex with the dead body was bizarre, the men enjoyed it, but also always an adult man was brought in. This man was stabbed by us, just as long as he no longer satisfies. It had to be slow, so we had to avoid his heart, it had to be a slow death.
Then the girl went and had fun.
After this, the man's body slowly got stiffer and when that was approved, we had to sit on him 1 by 1 and have sex with him. We had to help each other and the atmosphere then only got looser and grimmer.
How it would end after that we never knew. It was always different, never predictable. They were the toughest days of the year...
The road to it was always exciting and the day always came unexpectedly like the night. I was picked up at home and my mom was told to sign me out. Okay, she just said. She gave me a kiss and walked away. Betrayed. That's how it felt time and time again.
I went along in the car, usually from Grandpa or from Uncle 2. This time that I can remember, the second or third time, I don't remember exactly, Grandpa came to get me. Grandpa always acted very nonchalant and no one went against him. Okay, was enough and everyone obeyed.
That there were people around me who saw me leave with Grandpa didn't seem to bother or surprise anyone. It was the way it was. Will anyone have wondered if he was going to take me to school or why he was there, driven all the way from his own house here to take us to school alone? Or did they all know he was going to take me because I was the whore of the family? I'll never get an answer to this I guess.
I just got into Grandpa's car, without a fight and without words. Like an easy sheep that goes along with its shepherd. I didn't even think of saying anything, because I knew that when I would be with my grandfather he would punish me even more if I did. I was meek and always held my breath, in my head that is, until it was over. And when I was back home, then I could continue to breathe and live again. I could go to school, swimming lessons, then there were normal things again. Not that I could give so many words back then, but I already felt very clearly what was normal and what was not. Where I could breathe and where I couldn't. I was terribly good at feeling that.
We drove to a parking lot on the highway and Grandpa said see you tomorrow. I knew I had to get out and he drove off. I was shocked, now I was alone in this big strange world. There were many truck drivers and many people alone. It crept up on me even though I only stood there for a few minutes.
A truck stopped next to me and the side door opened. Come get in, said the friendly looking man and he almost waved me inside while looking around.
I tried to get into the high truck and had quite a bit of trouble doing so. It stunk in the truck and the man said nothing except for me to close the door. He started to drive and the truck made an immense noise.
After more than an hour of driving, I don't know exactly how long, we stopped at a restaurant on the highway and he told me to walk to the restrooms. He wouldn't come. I was surprised, but obeyed as always and walked to the restroom stalls.
There was a fairly young boy waiting, leaning against the wall of the toilet and said, so, you come with me. I walked with him to his black car and got in. So lady, you go to the back and pull what is there. I wriggled to the back seat, took off my clothes and wriggled into a tight little dress. Very vulgar for a 6 or 7 year old.
We stopped in a parking lot after an hour of driving and he made me up. He put on lipstick and eye shadow and did my hair nicely. So, now you're ready, he said and we drove on. We were crossing the border, I could tell by the signs, and we drove on.
After another long drive he dropped me off at a corner of a forest path and drove off. At that same moment a black van pulled up and the man who got out pulled me into the van and the driver drove us away from that plateau. We came to a remote area where we finally came to some kind of old detached house, almost castle. There were expensive luxury, mostly black cars and the path was gravel.
I had to go inside and was examined under my clothes. I didn't know what for and why, it sometimes happened more often and it was kind of normal. I knew it was very serious, that's how it felt.
Two more girls arrived and the three of us were led to a large luxurious bathroom where we had to freshen up. One of the girls was a bit older then me and the other one told us it was wise to pee and to check if our make-up was still on, so we did. We also sprayed on some perfume and took off our shoes and socks, so we only had to wear our dress without underwear.
We waited there. It took quite a long time, but somewhere I found it nice to be together like this. Even though there was a guard watching us and seeing how we peed and such, it was still safe for a while. Maybe the safest minutes of those days.
We were taken to the corridor and the guard opened the door to a large meeting room. In a circle sat men in suits and they fell silent all at once when we entered. The oldest girl took the lead and walked right up to a man and sat on his lap. He started to laugh and pinched her cheeks. Hey, how nice of you to come, he said to her. I felt uncomfortable and too much. She was good and I felt bad and didn't know what to do.
I needed an invitation, but I didn't have to wait long, because within a few minutes a man came and got me and took me to his seat.
So girl, he said, I want to entertain you for a while. He pulled me on his lap and for a moment I felt completely part of it. But the atmosphere remained very uncomfortable and it only became easier when sex was involved. I did not yet know how to cope in social situations, but I did know what to do with my body.
The man started to sit on me and I just let it happen. I saw the other two girls sitting on someone's lap and they were touching them as well. In the meantime others were talking and occasionally laughing.
I was pushed to under the table and now knew what I had to do. I tried to unbutton the trousers and start my task, as far as I was concerned. I had learned how and when to do what and how annoying I found it, I was glad that it was clear what I could do, that gave me peace.
These days we went in and out of this room and sometimes we stayed for hours just for company and sometimes we had to leave. The room would fall silent and we would be watched, our trousers closed and the guard standing at the door would coach us out of the room.
At night we drank and laughed and walked around. We did whatever they wanted, from sex, to drinking, to just sitting on their laps, like adult companions to adult men.
I had fallen asleep on the lap of one of the men who was constantly rubbing his fingers between my legs. The alcohol, the work and the time had taken their toll and the warmth of his body was soporific, even though his fingers sometimes hurt me.
Suddenly I was lifted up by the same man and taken to a room. He put me on the bed and went to the bathroom. I heard him go to the bathroom and brush his teeth and walk back and forth, but I pretended I wasn't awake. The bed was cold and made me even more awake.
He lay down next to me and put the covers over me. He wriggled his big naked body against me and started stroking me. He said nothing and I pretended I was still asleep. He lay down half on top of me and started kissing my neck. When he started to talk I noticed that he didn't speak my language, it was a different man than the one I had fallen asleep on his lap with and I was shocked to realize that I didn't know who he was. In fright I opened my eyes and looked at him. I did recognize him from 1 of the other men, which gave me some space, but thoughts were quickly overshadowed by his actions.
He started breathing faster and reached between my legs and pushed them apart. He wriggled himself between my legs and penetrated. I went out. My whole body went out and was in anaesthetic sleep mode and everything happened past me. Still groggy from the sleep and stiff with fear and out of pain.
He plopped down next to me when he was done and fell asleep very quickly. I had to go to the toilet, but I didn't dare get out of bed for fear it would happen again. I stayed up and eventually fell asleep again.
I woke up from the alarm and so did he. He looked at me smiling and went to take a shower. He got dressed and said some things in a different language, walked across the room and left the room after looking at me a lot. There I was, alone. In a room I didn't want to be in. A bladder so full I could hardly hold it in and a very sore body.
When my bladder was so bad, I put it to the test and went to the bathroom. I was so afraid that it would come back and that I would do something I really shouldn't have.
I quickly ran back to bed and pretended I was still the same as I had been all night.
I felt like it was hours before anyone came. I heard doors slamming in the rooms next door. My stomach was getting hungry and I was very thirsty. If only I had drunk some water from the tap when I was in the bathroom. How stupid I had been. But I lay here in bed and again I did not dare to go out and drink water. I would have had to pee again and then I would have had the same problem again. I kept lying there and dozed off every now and then.
It took an awful long time, but at some point I heard talking at the door and the guard from the previous day came into the room.
Are you still not dressed, he said. Have you been lying in your bed all day?
You haven't even showered, he said, as I got out of bed naked, holding my dress in front of me. 'Go take a shower.
I walked to the bathroom and took a shower. He said he would come back later and I would be ready and dressed by then and I nodded. How nice the water was. I drank the hot water from the shower and washed myself clean like Grandpa had taught me and got dressed. I waited patiently on a chair in the room. I didn't dare play or walk, I waited, as I should.
That afternoon, it was noon by now, we were allowed to join the men for dinner in the meeting room. Meanwhile the conversations went on a bit easier without paying attention to us and 3 girls and 1 boy joined us. We did what they wanted and kept company and after a while we were also allowed to relax in a pool on the top floor.
We swam naked, of course we didn't have any swimwear with us. During the swim we were called out of the water and given some kind of cocktail drink and it made me lightheaded.
It didn't get me drunk, but it did get me a little stoned, but I didn't miss any time after that.
2 girls got a bit off track and I tried to keep them alert, but that didn't work out very well. They were clearly less used. One girl was a lot older than me, I think about 12 years and the other was about the same age I think. At least as big as me.
The men joined in and it turned into a sort of party with swimming, drinking and sometimes sex together. The complicated thing was that it was both fun and very annoying and intimidating, which caused a lot of confusion.
We were asked to freshen up and get dressed. We all went to the same room and were helped with clothing and make up.
One girl was still off her game and I could see that she was getting less and less help to stay alert and act normal. The boy was very quiet and said almost nothing, but was alert.
We got something to eat and still had some free time. After this we were picked up and taken to another room. The atmosphere had changed from cosy and festive to businesslike and serious and we immediately became less cheerful and enthusiastic. We became quiet and scared and wait and see. I saw this happen to everyone and I was glad to see that they felt the same way.
There was a session. I recognized it right away.
Because it took me by surprise, the first part went completely by me. I saw and felt, I tasted and smelled, but it did not enter me. I observed and walked past instead of being part of it.
A man was brought in. He struggled, but was clearly also under the influence or sedated. He reacted slower and stranger than other people would. We were instructed to stab him with the knives we got in our hands, but there was one condition... he was not allowed to die quickly. The one who did this the worst would be punished.
We stabbed him in his legs, his feet, his arms and his stomach, but not near his heart. One girl even stabbed his face. The man screamed out and made such a nasty sound, which was maddening.
Slowly he lost consciousness until he was out. We had to leave him lying there and one of the girls had the task of feeling his arms to see if they changed.
We had to go in a circle and a judgment was made about our 'stabbing'.
The stress this caused was so enormous, I was so convinced I had done so badly that I thought I was going to be taken out at any moment. They saw the fear and played with it. I was their plaything. Transferred from special mistress to plaything. I felt betrayed.
To my surprise, another girl was chosen. Like thunder, she was suddenly pulled to her feet and pulled under and backwards. She fell so flat on her face and screamed as he pulled her towards him. He sat on her and strangled her. When he let go she could breathe again and another grabbed her from him. He raped her while strangling her and they laughed. When she was lying there dead, we had to show one by one how we raped her too. The sperm on my fingers and full surrender not to experience the same. I went into mode and did what I thought I had to do. It took so long.
At one point a girl who was supposed to be watching the guy said his arms were getting harder. They stopped with the girl and said they were taking a break.
One man couldn't restrain himself and took the boy to a corner and hurt him. He came back smiling and the boy very sad.
These moments are moments that happened very often. Moments when I hoped I wasn't the one being murdered. That it was someone else. Moments when I became selfish and wanted to save my own skin. Moments when I could hurt anyone if it made me feel better. I learned to do what allowed me to survive. That was my salvation, or my hell?
There have been more times where I have been guilty of killing others. I can't count them on 1 or 2 hands and feel terrible about it, but it is what it is.
What is a man capable of, that he can put everything aside to do the worst thing a man can think of? The eyes, the faces, I will never forget them, they are forever burned into the interior of my soul.
We had a tough day with the men and the feast in the evening ended in a sexorgy with the girls and men. It was so much and so long. In that moment sister came, they where with 3 together having sex with Simone at the same time. Sister came and took over and did the rest with the other men, till almost everyone was done.
After this, they brought a snake into the room. The snake was a big one with yellow/brown color on it and a landscape pattern.
They wanted to play with it and us and before I knew it was also inside of me. Because I reacted very shocked they laughed and were talking about what to do with it. Just let her sleep with it, someone called, so they did that. I needed to go to bed and the snake was pushed inside me again. It was moving a lot to try to come out and he pulled it out of me again. He came back with 4 men and said look and pushed it in me again.
Someone took his knife from his belt and cutted the snake in half. Look what I can, he said and he pushed the other side of the snake in my bottom. You stay like this and sleep till tomorrow morning. If you are laying like this you are okay, if not, we will haunt on you and shoot you dead. Do you hear me?
They left. I layed there with those 2 pieces inside me. I couldn't move, afraid of coming out of me and I would never be able to push it back inside. It was so hard and strong.
After a while the other girls came back, talked to me, but I couldnt talk back, afraid of what they thought of me, when they saw what was going on. In the night, I needed to go to the toilet and it became worse by time. I felt sicker and painfuller and after hours of thinking how to go, I couldnt find a solution. Somehow it could flow around the snake's tale and my bed went dirty. I could smell myself so awful.
My morninglight, the men came into the room, took the sheets off me and found me still laying in bed with the snake inside of me, but with a very smelly, dirty bed. They said it was awful and walked away. The men who pushed the snake inside of me, C, pulled me out of bed to walk to the shower. The snake was still inside and didn't fall down.
Under the shower, he only made the cold water flow and walked away. I knew I couldn't turn the switch to warmer water and just cleaned me under the shower. While he came back, he saw the snake hanging and bow down and pulled it out of me. It hurt so badly, I felt it for weeks.
When I was clean, he took me to another room and pushed me inside. A few men, the guards, were there drinking coffee. He said, playtime and went away.
They pushed me down on the table and slowed me down. Everything still hurt so badly, that I went out and felt nothing anymore. The man came back in and also joined in and then left me with the 2 guards. I was so tired and I didn't care what they did anymore. Just out, everything was fine.
After they were done, they gave me a chair and pushed my head forward. There was coke on the other table and they let me sniff it. I felt great for a moment and gave them a kiss. Just out of the blue. I got up and stumbled to my room. I was laughing and the other girls looked at me funny. They asked if I was OK and I gave them a funny thumbs up. Fine im so fine and I fell on my still dirty bed and fell asleep.
Cages, on tables. We're in them. Naked.
If I touch the sides or the top I get a shock. I can barely move, there's just no room.
Grown men talking. They sit there in a row, talk seriously and laugh sometimes when they hold something nice for me or one of the other cages. They laugh even harder when we try to take it and get a shock.
But if he holds a cookie out to me and I'm sure I could grab it, I can't resist the temptation again. Rather pain than hunger and see this for a long time. I don't make it, I hit the bar and flinch. He takes the biscuit away, it's my punishment. I should have tried harder. I could have been out of the cage a long time ago if I had done magic or something. I don't know, but I'm not inventing anything. I just sit there and wait and watch and sometimes my basic feelings take over and I try to satisfy my hunger.
Hunger is chilling. That has to come out and after a while I am numb to it.
Five days. I haven't had any food since the plane, only water sometimes. I know when I'm getting water and the times they let me go to the bathroom I take my chances. Thirst is killing me.
Pieces of a body. Such a hunger. The biscuits candy and sandwiches keep going wrong, shock, but with the meat there's no shock. I see everyone giving in. If you do it right 3 times and eat it right, you can get out.
One cage is empty. It's her.
It smelled delicious. I was hungry. The smell isn't horrible. Just makes you jealous when you're hungry, and then if you behave well, you get a piece. And if you cooperate, you'll be released and can go to training. Guilty. Showing you're willing to forget everything and be safe. Going out.
It was Christmas Eve. I had already been to the doctor in the morning. He measured my blood pressure, felt how much dilation I had and mentioned that it was not really starting. He didn't mind, he said, I will give you a hand and he opened his trousers. Sperm stimulated the dilation he said, so a medical intervention is okay. I nodded.
After this I was given 2 pills and the times I had to take them. I set an alarm clock so I would be there and know what to do and faithfully took the pills. Maybe weird, but I didn't think about not taking them. I just had to.
By the time I had to take the 2nd one, I started having hard bellies and before I went to the meeting, I went to see the doctor. They gave me a shot in my leg. The hard contractions became contractions and I could not drive anymore. I called uncle 1 and had him pick me up.
Nice going girl, he said. There were many people at the meeting and also many children this time. I would do this, so another part would be left alone. One more delivery and one more visit to the group and then I would only do sex work, that was the deal. I thought it was a good deal. Clear and as I wanted it. The last time the other part was here she collapsed completely and she wouldn't make it to continue with this life, so this was the solution.
I gave birth on the stone, at the front of the room, after a teenage girl had also given birth. The baby was already in the mountain in the fire and people were euphoric. I went along with the atmosphere, gave birth as if it didn't matter much and let it take it with me. I only made 1 mistake, I looked. I saw that it was a little boy, I shouldn't have seen that.
I could not hear the sound then, I was dumbfounded and deaf, but now I can still hear the crying, all week long. The little voice makes a big impression and does something deep inside. It makes me want pain, to go away, to numb. Pills, maybe syringes and violent sex with a group would soothe this now. This is how I would normally deal with it.
To face the truth.
So many times I thought of myself as weak. So often a wimp who again could not keep up. So often I was the one who did not do well, could not and was not strong enough.
I tell them that when I pass out my body gives up. That is the real giving up and not being able to cope anymore. We talk briefly about a memory, where I was raped by several men and did not want to get up. Wanting to, I was too tired. I chose to stay down and not take a shower right away. I needed to recover.
The fact that everything in me said I couldn't take it anymore wasn't important. I could have kicked my ass and taken a shower. Pain or no pain. I gave up.
The fact that I wasn't unconscious meant that I had a choice.
I can't see myself as a pathetic 6 year old girl, just raped by 6 men. I see a weak girl who has gotten too tired and doesn't have the balls to get up and start getting decent. The punishment grandpa gives me for that I think is right. I've earned it. It's true, I'm a lazy, dirty pig....
I'm finding out I'm still a long way from being there....
Battle, one day in 2020
Every day is a fight. Every day a fight to choose the right thing, to think about what I am thinking, whether I am safe or not. Every day it is necessary to remain alert to how stable I am inside and whether I can handle threats. Whether I am not automatically reacting to something and whether I have missed something inside, which can put me in danger.
Emails come in almost daily with pictures of myself doing things I don't want to do. Things I feel guilty about and ashamed of. But they are there. Every time again the fear, where will these pictures come from.
The videos that sometimes show up in my work email address, it brings me so much fear.
Emails that suddenly disappear, phone calls that I get, but switch too fast so I don't realize who I had on the phone, people that walk by and signal me, while only deeper hidden parts inside know what they are saying. My whole life is constantly a ship in the storm and I have to pull out all the stops to keep the rudder straight. And even though I have been doing it for months, years, the danger is there every day.
I am so tired of fighting. So exhausted from fighting every day. But I must go on. I'm not a quitter, not anymore. Giving up has brought me nothing, it has only given me more misery at times. I'm going to keep going, although I don't know how yet. For today I know I can make it through the evening, tomorrow I can't foresee. There is too much, too much that I am up against and too much that is happening. I look at today, tomorrow again.
A storm in my head, turning around
Not allowed to tell, smashing with my thought
A storm in my head, like a tornado on the move
No permission to tell, it makes me completely despair.
The contradiction in my mind, their word against yours
Confuses me, a big fat knot.
Feeling the freedom, very close, but is it for me?
Trapped in a cage, a millimetre's movement makes me more and more victimised
Each jolt of my movement leaves any hope even more.
Vomiting is the only thing I can do, I'm not
No longer the girl I wanted to keep.
I had felt the freedom for a moment, almost touched it, but it was not for me.
The bitter flesh gives me deliverance, but this is not what I want.
Yet I give in to every order, because in my head it becomes more and more quiet
They are powerful, I am a cell, not even able to feel
I was that girl with thoughts and feelings, grown without will
The freedom is no longer imaginable, it's gone, never again for me.
From worthlessness to a pit of shame, the pain is not even real anymore
Hoping it's the last thing I do, I grab her by the throat
Delivered from fear, delivered from pain, jealousy is what rises to the surface
Longing for death is the freedom I feel
Freedom is death, I'm going to try, the only chance for me.
Hanging from the ceiling as a teenager, facing my death.
The ceiling can't hold me, I don't do anything right
The pills were too much to handle and after 2 days in a coma I managed to stay alive.
My only way out after more attempts has been looked at, I have turned out to be a nothing
The freedom of death is not for me, never again happy
The little whore then, that's what I can play.
And to the pink neighborhood I was going to command myself
I begged for work, please, but the owner lost it.
Go play somewhere else little kid, I was yelled at, I just wanted to work in there.
The freedom from pain I always had and now I couldn't find it, I really can't do anything.
20 years on, living a life the way they wanted, moving at their whim.
I could do anything, move anywhere, as long as I obeyed them
A life of clarity, no fear of the future as long as I listened and kept floating,
Until the order was disturbed. Their and my insides began to tremble.
I feel a crack of freedom, but too hard for me. Just leave me here, it's okay.
Yet the promise of Yeshua shouts through it all. I finish what I started, do not leave me alone.
I was blown away lying there in that church. The Spirit did his work.
Searching, running away, back again and again. The darkness began to move, to pull I could not turn back.
Another 2 lives, maybe more. Searching for peace, freedom and the winning lord.
Doubts, fears, my brain was in constant battle, for freedom.
Until the rod of Moses was lifted up, no longer alone, the battle is not short.
But only one side can win, from these dark whims.
The horses are devoured, the tires shot one by one
Demons begin to give way, words begin to flow, come from the lock
Freedom is Yeshua, the light and the life. My choices are now given to Him.
 This seems to contradict what is written 2 paragraphs above, where Esther says that there were many moments that she could enjoy the attention of grandma and the space around the farm. This is because the personality parts who write here, have hardly any memories of fine moments with grandpa and grandma. The parts that wrote the other piece did consciously experience those positive memories.
 Simone and Sister are parts of Esther's personality that are each responsible for part of the rapes in this situation.