A day in the life of Esther as a child

Introduction by Aline Terpstra

This writing accompanies an interview at Café Weltschmerz between Erik van der Horst and me. In preparation for the interview, Esther described an example of a day of her as a child, which I was allowed to use to explain what a day of terrible abuse looks like for a child with programmed DIS.

In the interview, I have greatly simplified the example for reasons of time. Below you can read the original version by Esther, which shows that the reality of switching between person parts is more complex than I could explain in the limited time available in the interview.

Part 1 (green) is called ‘Merel’ in the interview: this is the name-bearing part, which knows nothing about the horrific abuse.

Part 2 (blue) is called ‘Erna’ in the interview, this is a person part who absorbs anger and other strong emotions from the adults around her and has learnt to adapt to the maximum in order to prevent/reduce this anger whenever possible.

Part 3 (purple) is called ‘Rachel’ in the interview, this is a person part ‘trained’ as a sex slave in child prostitution and child pornography production.

Part 4 (orange) is called ‘Sara’ in the interview, this is a person part that has been ‘trained’ to participate in ceremonies to honour Satan.

A day in the life of Esther as a child

Part 1 goes to Dirk. Finds him sweet and his wife cosy. Time for tinkering and chatting. Rest. Part 2 comes when Dirk gets angry. Dirk then puts part 2 in the closet, or when there are sometimes ‘parties’, part 2 gets punished for that which Dirk is angry about. So there is a part that is very close to part 1, but doesn't do everything perfectly. She sometimes knocks over a cup of drink and that makes Dirk very angry. So angry, in fact, that she sometimes has to be locked in the cupboard for hours. She keeps this away from Part 1, because Part 1 has to keep having fun with Dirk and his wife. But Part 2 is always close by, because she has to be able to push Part 1 away right away when Dirk threatens to get angry. The moment Dirk comes to our bedroom at night because he wants sex, part 3 pops up. Part 3 is always there when sex comes and ‘pleased‘ Dirk. She wants to friend him so that part 1 has nice moments with Dirk and his wife and so that no one can get angry, because otherwise they cannot be with Dirk and his wife.

When part 1 is playing nicely outside around Dirk and his wife's house and visitors drive up, part 3 and part 4 come because they are triggered. They recognise persons driving by from previous torture moments and part 3 knows sex is involved. Part 4 keeps everything else away and shoots into her role. Playing the perfect role model. They go along to the barn, which is set up so that torture and porn shots can be made. Part 3 undresses, lies down neatly as Dirk commands and ‘plays’ along in the film being shot where she is raped by 3 grown men. Part 4 remains in the background, but doesn't have to catch anything now. Part 2 is far away, but is there and just doing her best not to get punished. Part 1 is not there.

After shooting, part 3 has to wash up and Dirk's wife has dinner ready. Parts 1 and 2 pop up and sit neatly at the table and empty their plates. Part 1 happily chats on at the table. The tummy ache is not fun, but she has learned to ignore it and if it gets too much, part 2 takes over the pain. After all, it should not lead to punishment. Part 1 only knows the funny things about this day.

When evening comes, there is a cult meeting. Part 1 thinks Dirk's wife puts her to bed and snuggles under the covers. Part 4 pops up as soon as Dirk enters her room at night where she has to join the local cult. She has learned when it's cult days and is extra alert then and makes sure everyone is pushed away when evening comes.

She voluntarily gets into the car, undresses herself and walks into the main hall. The ceremony begins, sacrifices are made and when no actions of their own, such as murders, are called for from Part 4 itself, this part stays here. When the ceremony is over, there is the sex party. Part 3 takes over and knows nothing of what Part 4 has experienced. She has suddenly found herself at a sex party and does her best to be as good as possible. After all, only then is it the least painful and she finishes the fastest. She knows it can be different. When there are people triggering her, sometimes other parts come into play, but afterwards everything hurts, she bleeds and she is spent. She can't wash herself anymore, Dirk does, and Part 2 comes to help. Part 2 sees that she is dirty and helps as best she can. The body feels run over and broken, but I guess that's her fault. She does her best to cooperate and help as best she can. She falls asleep in the car back. Part 4 walks back to bed from the car. When she wakes up in the morning, no more than 3 hours later, Part 1 is there. She feels rattled, but she always is. When she fails to get up, part 2 takes away all feelings except happiness. Part 2 suffers pain, part 1 has a nice new day. When going to the toilet, part 3 takes over so that the nappies/monthly dressings can be changed.

As the above situation is described, switching between parts happens all day long, also in other situations and therefore each part has its own task or input in this.