Introduction
Aline Terpstra, GZ-psychologist and therapist of Esther, February 21, 2021
Here you will find fragments of the unpolished story of Esther's life as she has written it. She has written much more and the total story of her life is much more complex, but for this website we have chosen to publish a few memories from her first 10 years and one from early adulthood. Even though this is only a small part of her life story, it is an extremely shocking and chilling account. In the articles under 'treatment of Esther' I have explained in detail why I believe Esther's story. If you think: but that does not fit into one life, so much suffering, then you are absolutely right. It doesn't fit either. That is why Esther, just like many other victims, was divided into pieces inside. And is not (yet) a whole of one person with a coherent sense of self, but a person who gives place to many parts, each with their own sense of self and their own piece of life history.
The perpetrators have been anonymised, as have other people involved and other characteristics that are too easily traceable to Esther. However, the names of the perpetrators mentioned are all known to her. These include high-ranking people at home and abroad. These names are ready, including more details of their crimes and supporting evidence, to be brought out in the event of the murder of Esther or her next of kin.
As described in the articles about Esther's treatment, different parts of the personality have held on to different (pieces of) memories. In the process of coping these pieces come together more and more. Some of the memories have been written down separately at first, with the different paragraphs very clearly written by different parts: some in phonetic writing and very childish, other pieces in English or almost perfect Dutch. As the processing progressed and the adult parts absorbed the emotions and experiences of the child parts, it became one continuous memory in ordinary language. In this raw report you can sometimes still see something of this process because in some parts of the story the spelling is better than in others and because a part is written in English.
Esther's story echoes the stories of all those children and adults who are also now being horribly abused in the cult, porn and (torture) sex industries. This is happening now. In our country and beyond, hidden from our sight, but right under our noses. Not only in houses and remote barns, but also in churches, country houses, (private) estates and castles. Reading Esther's story, and in her story the enormous suffering of many children and adults, cannot and should not leave anyone unmoved.
A large part of the Dutch population did not acknowledge the existence of the Holocaust until after the Second World War. That was far too late. How many more Jews and other victims could have been saved if people had read 'mein kampf' en masse and taken the signs seriously? History does not have to be repeated. All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing,' said the French philosopher Edmund Burke. But what will happen if good people en masse use their influence for good in their own lives?
Read warning
At the same time, I can well imagine that it's far too much to read in one sitting. Take care of yourself: there's nothing wrong with spreading the reading of her story over several days.
And also: there can be good reasons to decide not to read her story or not to read it in its entirety: for example, if you yourself are a victim of sexual abuse, (emotional) neglect, mistreatment and/or torture, whether or not in a ritual context, Esther's story can undermine you. Handle yourself with care and read it with someone else or not/not now. There is a time for everything.
But don't let the reason be that you don't want your comfortable image of our relatively safe and fair Western democratic rule of law disturbed. That is a choice, an ethical choice, that has consequences. Consequences for victims, who remain horribly alone, but also consequences for the kind of society our children will grow up in. I urge you to choose not to let the Esthers of our society fight alone. They need us! Let's stand beside them en masse, in whatever way - no matter how small it may seem - and stand up for them! That's not charity, that's doing justice.
Esther's story
Esther, 21 February 2021
0-10 years My life at home and at school
The company bell rings. A loud, shrill sound fills my ears and I'm hyper-alert in a second. Sometimes every 30 seconds, sometimes it takes minutes, but that bell keeps going, all day long.
When the bell doesn't ring for a while, I know we're about to have dinner. That means evening and in a moment I long for the bell again. The bell that keeps me so alert, awake and lets me know it's day, not night. The bell that tells me that everything that happens is usually clear beforehand or at least predictable. The bell that tells me I can go to school, or to the animals, with whom I can cuddle and talk for hours and hours or hide. In the middle of the meadow, in the night pen of the goats, I lie down and crawl with them. That I was lying there in their shit didn't matter to me.
Those were the days I had room to be away for a while or to pretend I was elsewhere and no time. At home, it was doing chores, cooking dinner, doing housework. At home you weren't sitting on your lazy bottom, you were working, in whatever capacity.
I didn't mind working, I was good at it and had energy for 10, but I needed my moments to stare and go out. I needed to be able to hit the standby button once in a while, so my mind could go on hiatus for a while and my body could be numb for a while without having to deal with pain. A kind of reset time.
That teachers often found me staring didn't surprise me when I read that while I was older. I didn't experience my school days as unpleasant. I was not a girl who was always bullied. Sometimes I was. But there were worse cases than me, I was clean, I wore clean clothes, but my reports mention a quiet girl who isolates herself in the schoolyard, stares a lot in class and wants to do her work perfectly. No comments on learning achievements, I was always very diligent, so probably no reason for concern either.
If I heard that my children were standing alone in a corner of the school playground and staring a lot in class, I would raise the alarm. I would be concerned and find out what my child needed. A meeting at school, a psychologist, everything was considered, but my parents were busy. They didn't have time for it. At least, those were the reasons I had always heard.
Dirk
We are visiting Dirk and Froukje. We usually do that on Sunday afternoons, but I don't know if it's Sunday afternoon now. It's cosy. People are talking, Froukje has put tasty things on the table and I get a biscuit in my hands. I actually want something from the table too, but I don't dare take it. I'm walking a bit unsteadily, having trouble with my balance, and Dirk calls out to me, as if he's really happy to see me. He opens his arms wide and I have to walk towards him. I don't really want to, but Piet urges me on and says, 'You do want to sit with Dirk for a bit, don't you? Come on.'.
I listen to Piet, he feels safe and okay, and I go to Dirk's arms and Dirk lifts me up. I see Dirk smiling at me. He holds me and puts me on his lap again and again. I have my tummy facing him and he is sitting down.
When he keeps pushing me down and pulling me closer to him, it feels hard between my legs. He laughs, I can see him laughing, but it hurts and he doesn't stop. I feel confusion rushing through my head. I look at the people around me and Froukje who is talking, they are laughing too. The confusion only grows.
As he continues and doesn't stop, I look at the orange/brownish lamp above the table. One of those old-fashioned kind of chandelier with one of those brown cloth shades hangs above the oak round table. I feel trapped by the colors of the light that tries to come out through the chandelier and try to figure out how. Why do I see what I see. I am distracting myself so as not to feel the confusion of what is happening.
Another time, it is very busy at Dirk and Froukje's house. There are lots of people. We often visit them on Sundays, we have to. When Dirk wants me to sit on his lap, it's not so much fun. He sometimes whispers something in my ear and sometimes he hurts me. If I'm not wearing a dress or skirt, he gets angry. I have to make sure I always wear a skirt to church, trousers are definitely not allowed. I nod. I always listen obediently, I'm an obedient child and next time I'll ask Mummy for a skirt. Or a dress, because that's allowed too, and then Dirk will be happy. I don't want Dirk to get angry with me. But when it's Sunday and we go to church, I don't really want to wear a skirt or dress, because when we're at Dirk and Froukje's, Dirk can hurt me and everyone can see. Everyone is there and enjoys it, and that's stupid. If I wear trousers, Dirk can't get to me, but Dirk insists. I still beg for the skirt.
He pulls me onto his lap and keeps me there so that he can reach under my skirt with his big hands. Usually, I get a handful of crisps or nuts, so I can't resist. But when I visit Dirk and Froukje another time, I don't get any food, because I've already had it on Sunday when I'm sitting on his lap like that. Dirk gave it to me himself and saw it, so I can't say I'm hungry.
While he is talking to others and giving another child a compliment or asking a question, his big hand goes under my skirt and his thick finger finds its way inside. He always fumbles around a lot because he can't reach very well and he doesn't look because he is talking to others and acting very friendly, but he doesn't look where his finger is. His nail hurts and every time I'm afraid he'll break me and I'll bleed. Because then I'll be punished and I'll have done something wrong and the next time I'm alone with Dirk, the punishment will be even worse. Then I haven't practised enough and I'm too small, that's what Dirk calls it. If you're too small, it hurts and you bleed, so you have to get bigger. You do that with your finger, with a candle, with a thick marker, and then you have to keep looking for thicker and bigger things, because then it works. I believed it completely.
He had promised me that if I practiced well and no one would see, I wouldn't have to walk and sleep with the plug when I was with him. I really wanted that, so I tried my best.
But now I was sitting on his lap, in the big Dirk chair, with at least 20 people around us and children walking by to grab something tasty, and Dirk had his finger in my crotch. I couldn't let on that it sometimes hurt, that he was sitting in the wrong position or pulling on a piece of skin, and when he was sitting in the right position, that he was getting excited and his crotch was getting bigger. No one was allowed to notice anything, everyone was laughing and talking, including Dirk, but not me. I stared ahead, sometimes smiled when I thought it was expected of me, and wanted to go home as soon as possible. Still, I always thought there was something wrong with me. Everyone was laughing, everyone was watching and participating, but I didn't enjoy it. I was just bad.
Dirk continued
On the days when I wasn't with Dirk and Froukje, we would visit them on Sundays after church. It was an obligation; you just went.
As a little girl, Dirk wanted me to sit on his lap when other people were around. We were always spoiled with tasty treats like cake and biscuits, but I had to sit on Dirk's lap.
I often saw others looking on enviously, because they didn't get the chance to be with Dirk. Because of this, I often heard comments about being Dirk's favourite friend and so on, but I hated that. When I sat on Dirk's lap, it wasn't fun sitting on Dirk's lap. Sometimes I had to go to the toilet and take off my knickers and put them in the waistband of my skirt so I wouldn't lose them. Then I came back and he could reach them better.
Like a docile sheep, I listened time and time again to what he told me to do, ever since I was very young. Dirk was not to be trifled with, even though he looked like a little old man with a sweet smile. I often went out with him.
In addition to the moments during the day, the nights were very scary. He could appear at my bedside at any moment, when I had accidentally fallen asleep, and he could just call me to come and lie down with him and Froukje in bed, so that I could see what he was doing to Froukje.
I often had to watch and then fall asleep between them, but when I got older, they also had sex with me. Sometimes Dirk strangled Froukje and I had to watch how long she could hold out while he raped her. If I said stop too soon, he would do it to me. Froukje's eyes are burned into my memory.
From the age of about four, Dirk regularly came to my room in their house. I had my own room where objects were sometimes placed that frightened me. For example, there was once a jam jar with eyes to keep an eye on me.
He taught me how to enlarge myself from below. I had to walk around with a kind of plug all day long, and in the evening we would test whether it was easier to have sex. I got used to routines and functioned according to them. Routines became my control points and my anchor. I knew what was going to happen and it made me kind of happy. That's why I went the extra mile for those routine moments.
Dirk was the kind of person who was always unpredictable. You never knew when he might change his mind, and you almost never knew when you had done something wrong. He always had a reason, and I was always too stupid to understand it.
Leather
I think I was less than four years old. Dirk had taken me to one of his friends and told me to behave myself. I had to listen to what the man wanted, but he wasn't allowed to touch my secret hole. I had two holes. One secret and one fuck hole. The secret one is only for something special, and if I manage to protect it until my wedding ceremony, I will finally be glorified.
I did not know what the words meant, but I knew very well the difference between the two holes and what I had to say if someone wanted to take the wrong one. I had to say no, in the name of Nimanuel. I had practiced it so many times.
It had happened once that someone tried it. It felt all the wrong way when he wanted to go in and I instinctively knew that was that spot I had to protect. I'd finished that sentence, he'd been startled and stopped. It took a while for him to want to continue with me. I had to lick up his lollipop first.
This man was different from the men who wanted to get into that hole. This man was tender and didn't want me to just lie naked on the bed. That's what I had learned from Dirk. This man wanted me to dance for him, drink from a beautiful wine glass and talk to him.
We sat on the floor with a doll and a stuffed dog and had conversations. He asked me what I liked and enjoyed about food and if I ever made love to a gentleman. I didn't know what that meant and he went on to explain that. He told me how it should be and that it has to be good and that he is going to teach me because he really loves me.
I started to open up and get excited inside and in the meantime got a lollipop to eat. He told me what the lollipop meant to me and what it meant to men and that I should think about that when I help them with their lollipop if they want it. We started practicing and I listened very well. Everything he did very gently and carefully and each step was really step by step. I felt free to say what I wanted and what I didn't and even asked a few questions.
He came by what I did to him and he rewarded me again with a candy. He said what kind of feeling that brought him and said I could feel that too. I got curious and wanted to know what he meant. I had to lie down and feel what he was doing. I panicked enormously when he touched me between my legs and felt my dreams shattered, but he stopped right away. I see that you don't like this, he said, I stop. I felt the huge surprise in me at his stopping and his words and recovered quickly. You have to say what you want okay, but we are going to achieve that you feel the same as me, he said clearly. It made me turn a switch and I really wanted to feel it. I was open to it, even though I didn't understand a thing of what he wanted and meant.
I had to lie down and got a beautiful cuddly toy in my hands. Just cuddle with it, he said, and feel what I do. If it gets to be too much, you hug it extra and then you get a nice strong feeling and everything starts to tingle and then you've done it. Shall we go for an ice cream afterwards? I get excited and say yes. I am so corruptible.
He goes with his mouth between my legs and sometimes it becomes too much. Sometimes it hurts and I cuddle the bear very much, but suddenly it gets so bad that I want to kick him away and then he holds me in a kind of grip until it is over. Everything tingles and I want to do it again, but I feel guilty and ashamed of what is happening.
I get an ice cream and we chat pleasantly again. I find it a pleasant experience. The fact that he then has sex with me doesn't bother me so much anymore. He makes me feel special, and I want that again and again.
When Dirk picks me up again, they chat for a moment and then we go to his house. "So, madam," says Dirk, "you were the one who screamed." I shake my head, but Dirk doesn't see it. He can't help laughing. I don't understand.
The next few times this happens to him, I start to like him a little more each time. When he is in a good mood, he makes me feel special, and I always feel like I am connecting with him more and more. He is my secret boyfriend, and I love him.
First time to the group
We run through the house, four other children and me. We are all naked and the men smoke and drink and talk and sometimes pull me onto their laps. Sometimes they sit between my legs with their hands and then I get scared and they let go and I go back to playing and forget what happened for a moment. I also have fun with the other children, because I don't see other children very often and Dirk and Froukje never let me play, but now I can.
The living room is large and has dark brown furniture. There is a large round table with wooden chairs and above it hangs a large, old-fashioned yellow lamp. There is a painting on the wall, but I don't remember what it says. Apparently I didn't care about it. On the coffee table are square glasses with a yellowish color of liquor and cigars in a glass. The cigars always intrigue me and sometimes I smell them. It smells good.
Two children are playing at the back of the room with Barbie dolls and cars, and another child is sitting on someone's lap. The men, including Dirk, are sitting in a circle in the living room. Some of them have a glass in their hands. They are talking and laughing animatedly, and sometimes we have to go over to them. Then Dirk calls me, picks me up and laughs and talks while he touches my tummy or bottom. Sometimes he puts a finger between my buttocks and the others laugh.
I want to run away all the time, but I don't dare. I obediently do what he tells me to do and don't think for a moment about not listening.
When he lets me get off his lap again, I want to run backwards, but while running I'm caught by another man who also pulls me on his lap. Look, feel, he says, while he puts my hand on the bulge in his pants. Nice, that's your lollipop. The others laugh again.
When I'm playing again a while later, I'm suddenly pulled up by my hair and I have to follow. I hear the men laughing.
In the room, Dirk is lying on top of a girl who isn't moving. I'm shocked to see Dirk doing this, making noises, and the girl hanging limply, not moving. My head is spinning and I can't figure out what's happening. Her body moves with whatever Dirk is doing to her, like a rag doll being pulled and pushed around.
Dirk says he's going to teach me how things should be done, but I don't know what he means. Meanwhile, I keep hearing the men laughing in the other room, I hear a girl screaming, which affects me deeply.
I see a camera pointed at the sofa where Dirk is raping the girl. It is very cold in this room and the cold slowly rises through my feet from the concrete floor into my body. I see some cardboard on the floor near Dirk and I actually want to stand there, because it would be less cold, but of course I don't dare to move.
I am distracted. Dirk says, keep watching, I am teaching you something. Pay attention, yes. I nod. The girl still has her eyes closed and does not move of her own accord. When Dirk is finished and gets off her, he lays her down differently. There is a kind of large tool with a kind of bench attached to it, and a slanted board hangs in the air. There are ropes hanging from it, and it is made of wood. Later, I learn that it is an old-fashioned scaffold. One of Dirk's toys.
She is placed on it and then I am given a rope and the man tells me to hold on tight. Look, he says, and he loosens the rope a little, and then that slanted blade goes down a little and makes a very nasty sound. He pulls it back up and then he gives it to me. I have to hold the rope, and if I let go, that blade will go down. I can see what happens then. The girl is lying underneath it and then I will hurt her and that must not happen. I will do my best to hold on tight and then she can come out from underneath it again and Dirk will grab the rope again and then everything will be solved.
The camera is on and there I am with that rope. The girl is lying still, she's not moving. It's heavy and I'm finding it harder and harder to hold on. It feels as if the rope is getting heavier by the minute. I'm really trying my best, but I can't do it anymore and I can feel the rope rubbing against my hands. I can't hold it anymore, it hurts. I want to keep going and I want to hold on, but I just can't do it anymore. It's too heavy.
When my hands can't take it anymore I hear this awful sound. It hurts so much in my ears like knives being stuck in them. I can't take it anymore. I close my eyes, but it's too late and I see the blade slide through her and the head fall to the ground.
I am rooted to the spot and unable to react. I see the blood spurting out and I see her head lying on the ground, looking at me with her eyes open. Time stood still, my mind went blank and sounds like Dirk running towards us no longer registered.
Dirk enters and the man following behind him immediately says, "See what you've done? You'll have to pay for this." It's your fault that you killed this girl. Your fault, do you hear me? I'll make sure you never forget it. I heard him, but the words didn't register. They flew past me like a cold breeze and nothing mattered anymore. I was empty, bare, my life was gone. Everything had been wiped away.
He picks me up and lays me on my belly, on the girl without a head. I lie there for a long time and the little body gets colder and colder. She has become cold by the time I realize she is cold. I slowly come to realize and also realize that I am hungry, need to pee and very thirsty. I can still hear the men in the other room laughing and the cigar smoke suddenly comes back in like a loud bang. Everything inside beats up and I get a big error in my brain and I can't think anymore, only that this is my fault. I have killed a girl and it is my fault. I feel so bad.
I can see the edges of where her head left her torso and the blood is still running from her neck. The blood is everywhere, it's a huge chaos of blood. The head lies on the ground looking at me.It's so dirty and scary this is my fault. I have to pay for this, that's all I think.
I lie here for a long time and many thoughts go through my mind as I lie there. I am so cold and I am getting so tired, and after fighting my tiredness for a long time, I suddenly fall to the floor. That hurt, I had fallen asleep. I fell right next to her head and am looking straight into her face. I lie still and look, completely exhausted again. Dirk comes in and pulls me by my hair and says, "You're rubbish, you're coming with me, I'm throwing you away.".
No, Dirk, I'll be good, I won't do anything wrong anymore, I tell him. But it doesn't come from the bottom of my heart, it comes automatically, because I don't feel anything. My body hurts all over. It has become stiff from the cold and from lying in one position, and I am disgusted by the blood I fell into when I fell to the ground.
I am taken to the back door and hosed down with the garden hose. The water is freezing cold and hurts terribly. Yet it barely registers and I feel kind of stoned. My life has passed me by and I am no longer alive, and yet here I am. I am given a cup of hot tea in the kitchen and after a while I have to get into Dirk's car.
We don't drive very far and after a while we arrive at a parking lot and have to enter quickly through the back entrance of a building. It is a kind of church building with high windows and there are a lot of people present.
They sort of start singing and all know what to say when. I am overwhelmed by the whole thing and see so much. From the colored windows to people in crazy suits and things on the wall. Candles flickering and a woman crying. I'm not quite sure where to look when.
A woman screams very loudly and then suddenly falls silent. I couldn't see what was happening very well; I was standing close to Dirk and he was holding me so tightly that his coat covered my eyes.
As everyone is leaving, the man who was standing at the front comes up to me and Dirk. I'm going to teach you something, he says. He shows Dirk that we have to walk to the front, where I see a woman lying with her stomach cut open. I see intestines and a lot of blood and am surprised that it looks just like it does with rabbits, but much bigger and with more inside. I see much more than what you see with rabbits. I'm quite interested, but I keep quiet. I have to be quiet and not say anything, otherwise Dirk will get angry.
Suddenly I feel a hand grab my hair and my head and he pushes my head almost into the belly of the woman. Nice huh, he says, while I'm hanging there with my nose above it.
My nose touches something and gets dirty. He lets go of me again and I come back up. I have to take off my dress and trousers and lie down with my stomach on that woman's stomach. Everything is moving under my stomach and I find it disgusting and want to get off, but I'm not allowed to. Dirk looks at me sternly; it's time to listen, that's clear.
While I try not to fall off, Dirk is saying something and I feel movements on my back. The man who is there says to me, listen girl, your name is now Sabrina. Dirk is your boss and your daddy from now on. You listen to him. You do what he tells you, always and everywhere. If you don't listen to your boss, he'll come and get you and what we're about to show you will happen. But first, repeat after me.
I had to repeat the words: Dirk is my boss and he rules over my soul, mind and body. I belong to him. I invite him to come into me and take me as his possession. If I do not do what Dirk wants, he may come into my body and punish me, because what I write and say and do are only things that he wants and nothing else. This shall remain forever in the name of the eternal ruler.
Then I said a word I'm not going to say. As soon as I said that word, I got dizzy and everything started spinning. Suddenly something hit my bottom and moved down to my belly. It hurt. I said I'm always going to be nice and listen and then it was gone.
Dirk said I had been good and took me back home. The first instruction was that I was not to talk about what had happened anywhere; I had only played with dolls and eaten a nice meal. I could make up whatever I wanted. If I shared anything about it, the police would come and get me and I would have to go to prison forever, because I had killed the baby.
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